Running from Daddy

I hate father's day. I hate ties, I hate socks, I hate semi-automatic weapons. I hate rar rar rar or the tool guy or mowing the lawn. I hate that there was never anyone to protect me...from my own dad. I hate that there was never anyone to lean on.

Men think it's so cool to have a daughter that can take care of herself. A daughter that is tough, that can handle her own, that makes big money. A man likes a daughter that he doesn't have to "worry about" - but that's not the woman that he wants as a wife. A man needs a woman that needs him. That looks up to him. That adores him.

The marriages that last are the ones where BOTH people think they are marrying up.

I never had a dad that took care of me so I grew that muscle on my own. I learned that vulnerability was weakness. I work on cars, I can get things done, I do projects around the house, I protect the people around me. I can play that man role.

It also means that if I am the man then there is no room for a man in my life. It means that at 46, I have been divorced three times. My first relationships were power struggles. Then I emasculated the last one. He didn't feel needed so he found someone that made him feel needed.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the amazing life that I have had. I'm just grumpy on father's day.

Bargain Basement Love

My sister and I were laying out in the back yard. It was a beautiful 72 degree day and the sun was bright. We were laying on our towels in our bathing suits, feeling like teenagers, when “ I don’t feel I bring anything to a relationship now that I don’t have the big income” came out of my mouth. A Freudian slip? Perhaps. But, it got me thinking.

I have always felt “better” [meaning in control] when my spouse needed my income to get by. And every one of them needed my income. I have always been the stable one. The one with good credit. The one that pulled my weight. The one with bail. The one to raise your kid. The one to pay the bills. I always knew I was the one that you needed but I hadn’t realized that you needed my income. Maybe I was never attracted to a man of means because I wouldn’t have the power in that relationship.

I was chatting with a friend of mine, I’ll call him David. He is now in his mid 50s with 20 something boys. After 26 years of marriage he divorced his wife and now lives on his own. His ex is sick and he takes care of her when she’s in the hospital and when she’s not. She needs him to take care of her physically, emotionally and financially, she always has. That’s probably why she married him and why he stayed the extra 21 years after their relationship was over. He hasn’t really liked her since then but she needs him.

Another client, Roy, has a 14 year marriage, three boys and a wife that says she totally loves him. In their relationship it’s obvious she feels loved when he gives her things. She has more diamond rings than fingers, a closet full of coach purses and a pile of pretty gifts in the garage. He calls her names behind her back describing her mean and negative demeanor with disgust and repulsion. “We don’t do anything together” he complains and he feels neglected and used.

I know I do the same thing. I remember with Roland, I bought him a gold necklace for Christmas. It was a stretch for my budget at the time but, I thought he would like it. He liked it so much he made me return it and get a nicer one for him. I was the provider of that relationship. He wanted pretty things and I could do that for him but, I resented it. Why wasn’t it enough? Why wasn't I enough? And why couldn’t I just say “no” that’s what I got you and if you want something else you’ll just have to upgrade it yourself.

Some people live their whole lives in these relationships. My grand parents and parents did.

For me, this type of relationship feels sick, dysfunctional, painful and I used to stay in them.

If relationship is a negotiation then what was I bargaining for?

I traded my financial stability for his staying with me.

I felt important when I provided and they felt important when they got stuff.

What I really wanted was someone that adored me but what I got was someone that needed me.

The irony of the whole thing is that I thought I was the one that needed them - hmmm.

Safe Love

Last night there were thunder storms. My 9 year old chocolate lab, Rebel, was right beside the bed. Looking for comfort from his mama. I gave him kisses and he laid down right next to the bed. Head between paws, he looked up to see if I was watching. "It's ok, I am right here, go back to sleep" I watched as he looked at me and slowly his eyes closed. He's a sweet safe love.

He loved me before I loved him. I saw it in his eyes and still I held back. How could I give my heart to this animal. He's going to die before me and that would kill me. I justified; he just loves me because I feed him. But I knew that was just a game I was playing. That fear stuff creeping in. OK, he loves me. More than he loves food or having his tummy rubbed. Sure his heart is pure. Sure - but I could get hurt. Could I risk being hurt?

Today I look back at my fear and I laugh. The love of a dog is about the safest love there is! Even beaten dogs love their masters,unconditionally. Just like beaten children love their parents. It's a deep bond. Love and pain all mixed together. Some kids break from this crazy making but many grow up to do the same thing to their kids. Expecting unconditional love from their kids because it's a safe love.

I always picked men that needed me. That I had some control over. The men didn't make me feel safe but the control did. I knew #1 wasn't divorced so, I got that one annulled when I needed to. I had a built in out.

#2 wanted to get married for years. All I would give was a one year option. I really didn't like him that much but we shared the bills and the bed and it was OK. We renewed that option for five years until Aaron came. Then there was a purpose higher than myself and when Aaron's therapist said it would be better for Aaron if we were married. I married him. I was pledging my love to the kid, not the man, and the kid needed me. Not much risk in loving a kid.

#3 loved me unconditionally. He made me feel safe. I could see the rest of my life in his smile. I still loved him conditionally, though. He was an addict and I was afraid he'd go back out. I told him if he ever used again, I would leave. I thought it was a way to keep him from using. Instead he tested my love and addiction lured him to another's bed. I know he still loves me but our paths no longer intersect.

Today I interview my men like I interview a job applicant;

1) Can he do it? Does he light me up? Does he have the skill? Does he have the muscle? Can he be honest? Vulnerable? Do I know his heart? Does he have the heart of a lion or a gopher? Can he challenge me? Can he show up? Will I need to carry him or can we carry each other? Is he my rock?

2) Will he do it? Does he adore me? Does he value relationship? Is that part of his plan? His purpose? His vision? Will he grow with me? Are our values aligned? Are we greater together than apart? Do I open around him or close?[When I am with someone that lights me up I chatter. If I notice myself being quiet, I need to ask myself why]

3) How will he fit into my life? Do my friends like him? Is he great at a party? Can he handle my exes? Can I handle his? Does my life open or close with him in it? Can I see myself growing old with him? Do his kids adore me? Do I live to light him up?

Today there is plenty of safe love in my life. Family and friends and boys. They support me and love me and it's great connection. We pass the time and it's pleasant. The world is good but it's not in technicolor. Today I want to risk it all. Today I want to be scared shitless. To live. To love. A love that's not safe or guaranteed but a love that makes the day brighter, the wind smell of jasmine and my heart pound.

I filled up my love bucket with pain

This week I heard a story of a woman in incredible pain and suffering. She's been living with her husband and grown sons in the same house for 30+ years but they don't even talk to each other. She goes home and goes straight to her room. She hasn't had a relationship with any of them for years. When asked when her marriage was over her answer was 1993. 1993!! She's been suffering in silence for 16 years because she is a good christian.

I looked up Martyr: The term martyr (Greek μάρτυς martys "witness") is most commonly used today to describe an individual who sacrifices his or her life (or their personal freedom) in order to further a cause or belief for many. -Wikipedia

So what "cause" is she suffering for?

Is wasting your life what god really wants for us? Is gods wish for us never ending pain?

I put a lot of love and energy into my kid to be a "good parent". I spent time and money that I didn't have to take care of him. I stuck beside my brother when he was in jail. I stayed in an abusive relationship to "prove" my love for him. I lent money to my brothers and sisters to help them. I was sacrificial in my giving and when they didn't appreciate it I was pissed.

"After all I have done for you"

There is significance in being a Martyr. There is significance in the pain because the pain is significant but what I really wanted was to be loved. How is pain supposed to get me love? That's just sick thinking.

No one asked me to be in pain. God's wish for me is not "perfect pain" but "perfect happiness".

Jesus is the ultimate martyr; he died so others may live.

Today I don't have to die physically but I can die to my ego and not try to fill up my love bucket with pain. I don't believe that real love has any pain in it.

The struggle, the suffering, the martyrdom is all optional.
It's old sick behavior that I did to feel important. It's old sick behavior that I did to be noticed.

What I realize today is that the healthy people just noticed that I was sick and the sick people just noticed that they could take advantage of me. What this behavior really did was distract me from my loneliness. It's like smashing a finger with a hammer to get rid of a headache.

My life was hell but I knew what it was. I was too cowardly to do it different. Even when an open door was presented I hesitated. I was afraid to give up all I had. I held on until all I "had" was ripped from my closed hand. God did for me what I could not do for myself.

I resented everyone. I was angry. I was afraid. I was numbed out. It almost killed me like it killed my mom.

Today my red flags are: having to "prove" anything, suffering, pain, "It's not that bad", loneliness, "after all I've done for you", "I've had worse", "I should just be grateful for what I have".

Today I deserve JOY, which is polar opposite to "not that bad". I don't have to minimize my pain today to make it manageable. Today I can open to the possibility that god's wish for me - and my wish for me - is perfect happiness. Today I deserve to be happy.

It used to be that being needed was enough.

My mom needed me. I was the oldest, the strongest, the calmest. I could deflect my father's anger and "save" her. I could help get the kids, and make sure they were clean and behaving. I could make dinner and get the kids to bed. There was power in this. It strokes my ego to be needed and there is also certainty in being needed. If you can't live without me then you'll think twice before you toss me aside.

It also means that I was always working to improve the ways you need me, for fear that you would figure out how to make your own sandwich and not need me any more. It's a foundation built on sand.

My brothers and sisters needed me. I could beat up the bully - or them if they didn't do what I wanted, I knew who the teachers were and I could reach the peanut butter if it was on the top shelf. As they grew up they rebelled against my controlling ways and we had to re-establish our relationships based on give and take, equality. They would no longer take my bullshit because they were tall enough to get the peanut butter themselves.

In my marriages I knew I was needed; #1 needed me to get him out of jail, #2 needed me to raise his son, #3 needed me to feel safe and I needed him to feel safe.

#3 was my best friend. He was weak and he needed me but, he totally loved and supported me in any way he could. The biggest gift he gave me was unconditional love. I could tell him anything and he was ok. He knew all the things I was ashamed of and he still thought I was awesome. #3 helped me realize that I didn't have to do anything to be loved. I was enough just the way I was.

It was the first time the pressure to take care of everything wasn't there. It had been like carrying around a bowling ball while I ran through life. #3 took the bowling ball and freed me from the compulsion to please. He made it safe to look at the pain without feeling overwhelmed by it all. He finally made it ok to be human.

The biggest gift I got from #3 and from program has been love and acceptance. In my childhood there were strings attached to love. I learned to NOT let anyone help me because the expectation was that I would "help" them back. The price was always too high. I learned to not need anyone. To keep people out. To not use my "need" budget. I learned to not have needs.

Today when I give it's not a manipulation. I give what I can without expectation of anything. There is no "I'll love you if". I just love. It's what I was meant to do.

One way that I know I am doing this is by the people that come up to me to thank me for something. They remember when I did _________ for them. "I owe you so much" they say. I just smile and give them a hug. I don't even remember what it was that I gave. I am not keeping track.

Today, that's a very good thing.

Choosing Pain

Whatever is in my life today is what I chose to be in my life - and I continue to choose every day.

My folks didn't meet, look into each others eyes and say "yes, you are going to be 10 years of living hell, let's do it". That's not the way the fairy tales are told. My aunt gave me a picture of my folks when they happily together; leaning into each other and smiling. She was all passive and sweet, he was protective and strong. Is that the "new love" thing - feeling like this guy/gal is going to meet all my needs and desires and we'll live happily ever after?

My mother told me that she was looking forward to being out of my grandmother's house, my father probably thought he was replacing his doting mother. Then the reality of my father graduating and going into the air force - gone for long periods of time - like until I was 2 and my brother was born. My mom was left with an infant and dependent upon my selfish dad to send her money while she went to school. She always hated how tight he was with money - unless it was for him. She sewed our clothes and cooked while he went on hunting trips. We were living in Thousand Oaks, when I was 6, and he was gone most weekends so, while he was gone one weekend, she got a dog. Boy, were there arguments about that!

How do we get from "you fill all my needs" to "I'm gonna replace you with a dog you rat bastard" in 6 short years?

I was just chatting with a friend about how his "women friends" fell in love with what they wanted him to be - not what he is.

My brother had this funny saying about "who did you fall in love with if you want me to change?" He always said it with his cute puppy dog confused face which made me laugh.

When we are "in love" we overlook all the bad. It's nature's little trick. New love creates oxycodone-like drugs that leave the couple in a stupor. Even when the bad is seen, it's dismissed. Then as the drugs wear off, little glimmers of reality creep in and fear replaces the drugs. This is when honesty, self-esteem and communication skills are required.

Most people are not good negotiators in business then add the emotional roller coaster of a relationship and they are doomed. Maybe they just don't realize that relationships are negotiations, that it is time to show up and be vulnerable and respectful and playful and work things out with this person that they adore. They either defer everything and resent it, or use force, manipulation, crying, anger, victim-hood, the kids [which really means pulling their one source for love], etc. to control the other person into doing things their way - which causes gigantic resentment and a move away from love.

It takes a lot of courage and honesty to say "that hurt my feelings" or "I disagree" or "I need this and that to feel loved" and then to be able to discuss the issue without trying to "hurt" the other person.

My main weapons were; certainty - I know what this is and how to handle it, ripping into their character/pushing their buttons, and just doing what I wanted without consulting the other person.

It was a wicked set of weapons and they didn't get me what I truly wanted. What I truly wanted was to be loved, unconditionally. I didn't know how to say "I don't know", "I am scared", "can we really do this" or "I just need to be hugged for a while". In that dark hour they may not be there for me and then I'd have to face the truth; that I was really all alone in this relationship.

Instead of facing this truth, I used my weapons over and over, sinking deeper into despair with each use, until the pain was too big, the loneliness too deep, the despair too inky black to bear for one moment more.