It used to be that being needed was enough.

My mom needed me. I was the oldest, the strongest, the calmest. I could deflect my father's anger and "save" her. I could help get the kids, and make sure they were clean and behaving. I could make dinner and get the kids to bed. There was power in this. It strokes my ego to be needed and there is also certainty in being needed. If you can't live without me then you'll think twice before you toss me aside.

It also means that I was always working to improve the ways you need me, for fear that you would figure out how to make your own sandwich and not need me any more. It's a foundation built on sand.

My brothers and sisters needed me. I could beat up the bully - or them if they didn't do what I wanted, I knew who the teachers were and I could reach the peanut butter if it was on the top shelf. As they grew up they rebelled against my controlling ways and we had to re-establish our relationships based on give and take, equality. They would no longer take my bullshit because they were tall enough to get the peanut butter themselves.

In my marriages I knew I was needed; #1 needed me to get him out of jail, #2 needed me to raise his son, #3 needed me to feel safe and I needed him to feel safe.

#3 was my best friend. He was weak and he needed me but, he totally loved and supported me in any way he could. The biggest gift he gave me was unconditional love. I could tell him anything and he was ok. He knew all the things I was ashamed of and he still thought I was awesome. #3 helped me realize that I didn't have to do anything to be loved. I was enough just the way I was.

It was the first time the pressure to take care of everything wasn't there. It had been like carrying around a bowling ball while I ran through life. #3 took the bowling ball and freed me from the compulsion to please. He made it safe to look at the pain without feeling overwhelmed by it all. He finally made it ok to be human.

The biggest gift I got from #3 and from program has been love and acceptance. In my childhood there were strings attached to love. I learned to NOT let anyone help me because the expectation was that I would "help" them back. The price was always too high. I learned to not need anyone. To keep people out. To not use my "need" budget. I learned to not have needs.

Today when I give it's not a manipulation. I give what I can without expectation of anything. There is no "I'll love you if". I just love. It's what I was meant to do.

One way that I know I am doing this is by the people that come up to me to thank me for something. They remember when I did _________ for them. "I owe you so much" they say. I just smile and give them a hug. I don't even remember what it was that I gave. I am not keeping track.

Today, that's a very good thing.

Love and Control

Love was a power struggle. I picked men that needed me and that I could help or fix. That's when god sent me Rebel. For 7 years I have been practicing unconditional love and an open heart. Have I learned enough to be able to love a man unconditionally? Is my confession of love just another manipulation?

I do like certainty. I am a know it all and think I know how things are supposed to turn out. Then I push hard in that direction. Thing is, my life has never matched the picture. Some days, I still want that picture. I want the perfect little house and the perfect little kids and the adoring husband. It’s a funny picture because I don’t know any people like that. The people I know have their own stories and their own struggles.

I was thinking about faith on my run this morning. I have been running with a group of runners for the last few months. I don't know anyone and I don't know the routes but, I show up and tag along. I am not a fast runner so I am often running along these pretty streets all by myself. Time and again, just when I am wondering where the heck I am, I hear voices or footsteps behind me. Someone shows up and shows me the way. This morning I realized that my program really does work because as a kid, I had lost faith in the goodness of the world. Today, Faith is running in unfamiliar neighborhoods, with unfamiliar people, in the dark and knowing that I am blessed. Somehow, someone always shows up and shows me the way to go. Somehow, I always end up back at the car with my endorphins humming. Every time.

Kinda how my life is today. I am in unfamiliar neighborhoods, with unfamiliar people, running in the dark and instead of being terrified and trying to control it, I am enjoying the run.