My Dark Night

One of my favorite quotes is from American Beauty: ….but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst…

These last few days, weeks, months, I am not seeing the beauty. I am seeing the sadness, so much so my heart threatens to burst from it. I don’t watch TV because I don’t need all that pain but sometimes the pain just seeps in anyway. My cute baby boy Aaron is 27 on Monday. I had such high hopes and dreams for him but what difference did all my parenting do? I worked so hard to help and fix my bright little boy but I was fighting a fight that’s bigger than me. He’s still a drug addict. Just like his daddy and his granddaddy was and now my ex is raising two more. I watch as my brother struggles with his demons and I can’t do anything about it – but love him. Still, sometimes it’s just so overwhelming, it gets to me…and I find myself saying “What’s the point?” “What will it matter in a million years?’ “Who will even notice?”

This morning I was raging at god, beating him up like a plastic karate doll. You know the kind that you put water into the bottom so no matter how many times you punch and kick it, the doll pops back up to be kicked again. ” I don’t f*ing deserve this! I’m a good person. It’s not fair! Why me? Why so much pain? Where are my loving parents? Where’s my safe place? When can I finally relax and breathe? I am so tired of being strong. Today... I just want to cry.

These days I know enough to suit up and show up so I did. I slogged through my day. I went to my meeting tonight and admitted my darkness. Put it all out on the table for everyone to see. Then I hung out with my good friends – the ones that are there even when you’re grumpy – and got into my car to go home.

As I was pulling onto the freeway, a woman came running at my car. Her little SUV was on the side of the road – they had run out of gas. She was with another woman and there was a small child in the back seat. They asked if they could borrow my cellphone to call the woman’s husband and instead I pulled out my spare gas can – the one I carry because my gas gauge quit working- and the woman’s eyes got real big. “Oh my god, thank you! Oh my GOD she has a gas can!, she called to her friend.” ” We’re almost home, the next exit down. Oh my god, thank you.” They were so cute and excited and we got the gas into their car. The woman thanked me in Spanish and I gave her a hug. The little boy in the back seat peeking out in his PJs. It took a few tries but the car started up and I followed them to the next exit and watched as they went home.

Watching their taillights driving away my eyes welled up in tears as I realized ….there is so much beauty in the world.