Trusting Scorpions

There's a story about a frog and a scorpion that are trying to get across a river. The scorpion ask the frog to take him across on his back.

No, I couldn't do that, you would sting me.
Why would I sting you when I need you to get across?
The frog concedes on this logic and takes him across.
Half way across the scorpion stings him.
As they both go down the frog asks "why'd you do it?"
"Because I am a scorpion"

In my family, my father was the scorpion. You never knew when his stinger would come out. I want to say that you couldn't trust him but the truth is that you could trust him to take care of himself. Whatever he wanted was paramount. He didn't value anything more than he valued himself.

I have a tenant that is a tweaker. He is busy all hours of the day and night. Mostly doing and accomplishing nothing but, he thinks he is accomplishing a lot and that his work is highly valued. The interesting thing is you never know how saying "good morning" will affect him. For a few days he's cheerful and welcomingt so I come to expect that. Then on a day that looks like any other he's lash out in anger. Blaming and criticizing and tearing down anything that happens to be in the way. It's a day you wish you would have kept your head down and gone the other way.

That's the thing about a scorpion, you never know when they are going to sting you but you just know that they will.

Who are the scorpions in your life?
How do you react to them?
Are you surprised when you get stung?

Marriage is like McDonalds - Not that great but consistent

I feel kinda bad lumping everyone in to one big nasty lump of McDonalds fodder. I have friends that have amazing relationships. I acknowledge and appreciate them so much. They light up when they talk about their spouse. They smile and are animated and excited to see their lovey every single day. They are amazing living mentors and they give me hope.

I also have friends that have had the light off for years. Not just dim but off. For years.

The pain comes on slowly. The first time she rolls her eyes or tells the story about how stupid you are. Or the first time he works late or forgets that you're having dinner with the neighbors.

According to Barbara D'angelis and John Gray, this Resistance is the first of the 4 "R"s that characterize a separation from love:


1. Resistance
2. Resentment
3. Rejection
4. Repression

Resistance -- In any normal human relationship there will be certain levels of resistance between two people. Resistance occurs when you notice yourself starting to resist something another person is saying, doing, or feeling. You start criticizing them in your mind, and you may notice yourself pulling away a little bit. The way most people handle Resistance is to ignore it and pretend it's not there, e.g., "Oh, it's no big deal."

If you don't tell the truth about your resistance and resolve it with your partner, those little resistances build up and turn into the second R, Resentment.

Resentment is a much more active level of resistance. It is intense dislike and blame of the other person for what they are doing. Resentment is usually accompanied by an internal experience of anger and tension. You are separating from your partner emotionally. Anger, frustration, annoyance, sharpness and hate are all symptoms of stage two, Resentment.

If you don't tell the truth about your resentment and resolve it with your partner, it builds up and turns into the third R, Rejection.

Rejection occurs when so much resistance and resentment has built up that it becomes impossible for you to stay emotionally connected to the other person, and you pull away. You may leave the room, you might storm out of the house, or you might just shut down and refuse to acknowledge the other person or pay attention to them.

The signs of Rejection are: not wanting to be with your partner; always polarizing with whatever point of view they take; fantasizing about other people or having affairs. Rejection is the natural consequence of carrying around stored-up resentment. You cannot be near or relate to your partner without feeling all of your accumulated tension and resentment, so you just push them away in order to get some relief. During this stage, your sex life will deteriorate tremendously if it hasn't already. If you end a relationship while it is in the Rejection stage, the breakup will be painful and bitter.

If you don't tell the truth about your feelings of Rejection and resolve them with your partner, your Rejection builds up and turns into the next level of separation, Repression.

Repression is the most dangerous of the four R's. It occurs when you are so tired of resisting, resenting and rejecting that you successfully repress all of your negative emotions to 'keep the peace' for the sake of the family or to look good to the world. Repression is a state of emotional numbness. You numb yourself to your feelings in order to be comfortable. The numbness spills over into the rest of your life. You lose your enthusiasm and aliveness. Life may become predictable and boring. You may feel physically tired much of the time.

Some people are such experts at repressing their feelings that they move automatically from Resistance right down to Repression in a few moments without even realizing what they are doing.

Every time you express the complete truth about your feelings and get back to the love inside, you are increasing your ability to love. Every time you
suppress the complete truth and automatically repress your feelings, your ability to love decreases.

When I got to Resentment I had had enough pain. I had begged, pleaded, argued, cajoled, pouted and even threatened him to no avail. I was cooking, cleaning, parenting, working, tutoring, paying the bills, interfacing with the school. I was a single parent with the added burden of a husband. He didn't have a problem. I took care of everything.

When I got to the point where I was looking forward to my spouse's eventual death so I could "get on with my life", I knew I had to quit. I loved my son and I loved my husband but I had had enough pain.

This is what I want my relationships to look like

I went back and was re-reading my post. I just love this picture.

They are content. They are relaxed. They are comfortable with each other.

I was walking in my neighborhood park in the rain. It was a misty rain, the kind that makes everything look magical. Rebel was off running and a kid rides up to share the shelter of the big redwood I was under. We both just stood there, looking into the mist.

He looks up at me, shaggy hair and big innocent eyes, and says, "copacetic".

The dogs are copacetic - very satisfactory or acceptable - and that's what I want my relationships to look, and feel, like.

Picture Analysis

I remember my first crush. He was 11 or 12 and I was 10 or 11. He had shaggy brown hair and blue eyes and he liked to show me how to do things on his family's farm. We rode on tractors and captured, killed and skinned moles. We played in the wheat silos until I got asthma real bad and had to go lie down.

We spent all day long running wild in the corn fields or down by the creek. Our hair got lighter and our skin darker as the summer wore on.

I liked his stories and the way he laughed and the adults noticed how well we got along. I couldn't admit that I liked him but I think they could see it.

There was one picture of us on a horse. We had been riding all over the farm, he in front and me behind. I felt hot being so close to him and was self conscious about being right up next to him. Touching him.

When I looked at the picture of us riding along so close, so intimate, I couldn't believe how awkward and silly I looked. My hips were right behind his but my chest was a foot away from him. I was as far away from him as I could get and still be on the horse. This was too close for me, touching a man, this was too intimate for me.

I have a great friend that's been married for 15+ years. They have beautiful kids and have achieved a lot in life - if you care about material stuff. Their photos look like my horse picture. She holds everyone away from her - even her husband.

After 15 years.

Look at your photos. Can you see the relationships in them? How far away do you keep people. Who do you put your back to and who do you hold close?

Love and Control

Love was a power struggle. I picked men that needed me and that I could help or fix. That's when god sent me Rebel. For 7 years I have been practicing unconditional love and an open heart. Have I learned enough to be able to love a man unconditionally? Is my confession of love just another manipulation?

I do like certainty. I am a know it all and think I know how things are supposed to turn out. Then I push hard in that direction. Thing is, my life has never matched the picture. Some days, I still want that picture. I want the perfect little house and the perfect little kids and the adoring husband. It’s a funny picture because I don’t know any people like that. The people I know have their own stories and their own struggles.

I was thinking about faith on my run this morning. I have been running with a group of runners for the last few months. I don't know anyone and I don't know the routes but, I show up and tag along. I am not a fast runner so I am often running along these pretty streets all by myself. Time and again, just when I am wondering where the heck I am, I hear voices or footsteps behind me. Someone shows up and shows me the way. This morning I realized that my program really does work because as a kid, I had lost faith in the goodness of the world. Today, Faith is running in unfamiliar neighborhoods, with unfamiliar people, in the dark and knowing that I am blessed. Somehow, someone always shows up and shows me the way to go. Somehow, I always end up back at the car with my endorphins humming. Every time.

Kinda how my life is today. I am in unfamiliar neighborhoods, with unfamiliar people, running in the dark and instead of being terrified and trying to control it, I am enjoying the run.

Consciousness

After my mom died, I was ashamed to be an Owen. I was embarassed when people figured out that it was my family that had the murder. I was ashamed that my mom was murdered. I was ashamed that my dad murdered my mom. I was ashamed when I was late to school, again, and I had to explain that this person signing my notes was really my dad.

"Who's Quick?"
"My Stepdad"
"Well where's your mom?"
"She's dead"
"Well then where's your dad?"
"He's in prison"
"Well, we don't have any record of Quick. What's his phone number?"

It didn't help that John wrote things like "so many women so little time" on a prescription pad. This was supposed to get me into school.

I played this little game for a year and a half after mom died. Then I just became Quick. By then Kimi was Quick. Rana was Quick. We all just became Quick. We were a family. No more interogations to get into school. No more murder. [I wasn't even calling it a murder then. I'd dance around the mom issue and would just say she was in an accident. Most people would drop it.]

I had a new life, a new step mom who was 9 years older than me and a new identity. An identity that I was not ashamed of. It was all pretend but it made me feel better.

For twenty years I just made up a "new story" and pretended like I had lived the perfect life. I was totally unconscious but I needed to be. It was my coping mechanism and it served me.

When I think back on that time I regret all the time that I wasted. It was a good life but it was superficial. I ran from people. I kept them at arms length. I didn't want people to know me because we'd eventually get to the "secret". I guarded that secret. I told layers of lies to bury it. I thought I had control of it but it had control of me.

I never even told the secret to my husband. Then I resented him for not knowing me and not wanting to know me.

Letting go of that secret was the hardest and the best thing I have ever done. I thought I needed to look perfect to be loved but the truth is that protecting that secret had put a wall up that kept the love out. When I exposed it to the light it lost all power over me. Today there is no shame. My family was crazy but I am not passing that craziness on.

The things that I try to control end up controlling me. Today I can let go and let god work it out. He always does so much better a job than I ever could.