You'll look great on my Christmas cards

My dad was a big handsome, high school football star and officer in the air force. He'd been stationed in Pakistan and he'd jumped out of a plane. He looked really great in the wedding photos. He looked really great on paper. He was any mother's dream for her daughter. Until you get to the part where he was mean and selfish, lacking in compassion and warmth.

The physical abuse was one thing, the constant criticism and not being able to do anything good enough for him, was another.

Problem was, the whole relationship was built on the outside. She wanted 6 kids, he wanted to explore the world in his Austin Healy Sprite. He resented having to sell his cute little sports car when I was born but he finally traded it in for something more practical. She tried to mold him to fit into her picture of the world while he took extended hunting trips to get away. As the pain escalated, we learned to look good, to smile pretty, to project the image of the perfect and beautiful family.

There's this funny cultural competition in Dallas where families get together and have their annual photos. They all dress the same, smile pretty and project that super sweet image to "out perfect" the neighbors. Families that are not talking, that have raging alcoholism and abuse, cover the bruises and smile pretty so they can show the world that they've done well. It's all built on the outside.

Matthew 7:[26] And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: [27] And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.

When I started dating, I chose the ones that looked good. My first boyfriend had blonde feathered hair and the handle to his comb looked really great in his back pocket. He was also dumber than a hammer and couldn't keep a job. He brought nothing to the table except that he looked great on my arm and I kept him there longer than I should because the girls at school thought he was a fox.

Even now, 32 years later, I can feel the hollow emptiness of that relationship. We used each other to feel better about ourselves and it still hurts. It was the same empty loneliness I learned from my family. It was pain but it was familiar and I called it love.

When I look back on the photos of my life I can still feel the pain. I look great. The man next to me is handsome. We are smiling pretty.

Bargain Basement Love

My sister and I were laying out in the back yard. It was a beautiful 72 degree day and the sun was bright. We were laying on our towels in our bathing suits, feeling like teenagers, when “ I don’t feel I bring anything to a relationship now that I don’t have the big income” came out of my mouth. A Freudian slip? Perhaps. But, it got me thinking.

I have always felt “better” [meaning in control] when my spouse needed my income to get by. And every one of them needed my income. I have always been the stable one. The one with good credit. The one that pulled my weight. The one with bail. The one to raise your kid. The one to pay the bills. I always knew I was the one that you needed but I hadn’t realized that you needed my income. Maybe I was never attracted to a man of means because I wouldn’t have the power in that relationship.

I was chatting with a friend of mine, I’ll call him David. He is now in his mid 50s with 20 something boys. After 26 years of marriage he divorced his wife and now lives on his own. His ex is sick and he takes care of her when she’s in the hospital and when she’s not. She needs him to take care of her physically, emotionally and financially, she always has. That’s probably why she married him and why he stayed the extra 21 years after their relationship was over. He hasn’t really liked her since then but she needs him.

Another client, Roy, has a 14 year marriage, three boys and a wife that says she totally loves him. In their relationship it’s obvious she feels loved when he gives her things. She has more diamond rings than fingers, a closet full of coach purses and a pile of pretty gifts in the garage. He calls her names behind her back describing her mean and negative demeanor with disgust and repulsion. “We don’t do anything together” he complains and he feels neglected and used.

I know I do the same thing. I remember with Roland, I bought him a gold necklace for Christmas. It was a stretch for my budget at the time but, I thought he would like it. He liked it so much he made me return it and get a nicer one for him. I was the provider of that relationship. He wanted pretty things and I could do that for him but, I resented it. Why wasn’t it enough? Why wasn't I enough? And why couldn’t I just say “no” that’s what I got you and if you want something else you’ll just have to upgrade it yourself.

Some people live their whole lives in these relationships. My grand parents and parents did.

For me, this type of relationship feels sick, dysfunctional, painful and I used to stay in them.

If relationship is a negotiation then what was I bargaining for?

I traded my financial stability for his staying with me.

I felt important when I provided and they felt important when they got stuff.

What I really wanted was someone that adored me but what I got was someone that needed me.

The irony of the whole thing is that I thought I was the one that needed them - hmmm.

I grew up with crazy...but, we called it normal

I was chatting with a friend of mine last night. She lived with an out of control addict for 20+ years. Her kids got into recovery when they were 8 and 10. For years they begged for her to leave the "bastard". After more than 10 years of recovery my friend was finally strong enough to get a divorce. By then the kids were grown. Now the grown kids; also known as Adult Children, the same kids that could see the dysfunction in their parents, are recreating their early childhood patterns in their adult lives. Both of the "kids" married alcoholics.

They had already walked through that pain and trauma of childhood and survived, why would they choose all of that suffering for themselves?

For me, it's so much easier to see someone else's crazy behavior than it is to see mine. I don't even realize what I do. If I could have seen my crazy behavior from outside the fog of emotion and reaction of the moment, I am sure I was the one that looked totally nuts. I remember having a conversation with a friend about my mom's death and I smiled at an inappropriate time - a signal that I was getting significance from my mom's murder - and I didn't realize I had smiled. I was so disconnected from my emotions that it took the guidance of a friend to know that about myself.

I grew up with crazy and recreated crazy as an adult. I watched my parents fight and get divorced and then my mother's murder. My dad was a narcissist - totally unaware of anyone's needs but his own - so I modeled that "love" by marrying addicts. When I was in my early 30s I was in an abusive relationship. It was a power struggle just like my parent's rocky relationship. I remember thinking - clear as day - this is the man that will kill me. Just like it was having lunch on Friday. I expected to live - and die - the same life of my parents.

I read about this goose that was separated from it's mom while it was just an egg. A kind helpful human incubated the egg and when the chick was born it imprinted on the person. It called the person "mom". That goose ALWAYS walked upright like a person vs waddling like a goose. That was it's model for the world and it didn't even realize that it's not "supposed" to walk that way. That's how I was before I got into recovery, I didn't even know that love doesn't hurt, being hit or called names or stony silence is abuse, or that God's wish for me is perfect happiness.

Safe Love

Last night there were thunder storms. My 9 year old chocolate lab, Rebel, was right beside the bed. Looking for comfort from his mama. I gave him kisses and he laid down right next to the bed. Head between paws, he looked up to see if I was watching. "It's ok, I am right here, go back to sleep" I watched as he looked at me and slowly his eyes closed. He's a sweet safe love.

He loved me before I loved him. I saw it in his eyes and still I held back. How could I give my heart to this animal. He's going to die before me and that would kill me. I justified; he just loves me because I feed him. But I knew that was just a game I was playing. That fear stuff creeping in. OK, he loves me. More than he loves food or having his tummy rubbed. Sure his heart is pure. Sure - but I could get hurt. Could I risk being hurt?

Today I look back at my fear and I laugh. The love of a dog is about the safest love there is! Even beaten dogs love their masters,unconditionally. Just like beaten children love their parents. It's a deep bond. Love and pain all mixed together. Some kids break from this crazy making but many grow up to do the same thing to their kids. Expecting unconditional love from their kids because it's a safe love.

I always picked men that needed me. That I had some control over. The men didn't make me feel safe but the control did. I knew #1 wasn't divorced so, I got that one annulled when I needed to. I had a built in out.

#2 wanted to get married for years. All I would give was a one year option. I really didn't like him that much but we shared the bills and the bed and it was OK. We renewed that option for five years until Aaron came. Then there was a purpose higher than myself and when Aaron's therapist said it would be better for Aaron if we were married. I married him. I was pledging my love to the kid, not the man, and the kid needed me. Not much risk in loving a kid.

#3 loved me unconditionally. He made me feel safe. I could see the rest of my life in his smile. I still loved him conditionally, though. He was an addict and I was afraid he'd go back out. I told him if he ever used again, I would leave. I thought it was a way to keep him from using. Instead he tested my love and addiction lured him to another's bed. I know he still loves me but our paths no longer intersect.

Today I interview my men like I interview a job applicant;

1) Can he do it? Does he light me up? Does he have the skill? Does he have the muscle? Can he be honest? Vulnerable? Do I know his heart? Does he have the heart of a lion or a gopher? Can he challenge me? Can he show up? Will I need to carry him or can we carry each other? Is he my rock?

2) Will he do it? Does he adore me? Does he value relationship? Is that part of his plan? His purpose? His vision? Will he grow with me? Are our values aligned? Are we greater together than apart? Do I open around him or close?[When I am with someone that lights me up I chatter. If I notice myself being quiet, I need to ask myself why]

3) How will he fit into my life? Do my friends like him? Is he great at a party? Can he handle my exes? Can I handle his? Does my life open or close with him in it? Can I see myself growing old with him? Do his kids adore me? Do I live to light him up?

Today there is plenty of safe love in my life. Family and friends and boys. They support me and love me and it's great connection. We pass the time and it's pleasant. The world is good but it's not in technicolor. Today I want to risk it all. Today I want to be scared shitless. To live. To love. A love that's not safe or guaranteed but a love that makes the day brighter, the wind smell of jasmine and my heart pound.

Marriage is like McDonalds - Not that great but consistent

I feel kinda bad lumping everyone in to one big nasty lump of McDonalds fodder. I have friends that have amazing relationships. I acknowledge and appreciate them so much. They light up when they talk about their spouse. They smile and are animated and excited to see their lovey every single day. They are amazing living mentors and they give me hope.

I also have friends that have had the light off for years. Not just dim but off. For years.

The pain comes on slowly. The first time she rolls her eyes or tells the story about how stupid you are. Or the first time he works late or forgets that you're having dinner with the neighbors.

According to Barbara D'angelis and John Gray, this Resistance is the first of the 4 "R"s that characterize a separation from love:


1. Resistance
2. Resentment
3. Rejection
4. Repression

Resistance -- In any normal human relationship there will be certain levels of resistance between two people. Resistance occurs when you notice yourself starting to resist something another person is saying, doing, or feeling. You start criticizing them in your mind, and you may notice yourself pulling away a little bit. The way most people handle Resistance is to ignore it and pretend it's not there, e.g., "Oh, it's no big deal."

If you don't tell the truth about your resistance and resolve it with your partner, those little resistances build up and turn into the second R, Resentment.

Resentment is a much more active level of resistance. It is intense dislike and blame of the other person for what they are doing. Resentment is usually accompanied by an internal experience of anger and tension. You are separating from your partner emotionally. Anger, frustration, annoyance, sharpness and hate are all symptoms of stage two, Resentment.

If you don't tell the truth about your resentment and resolve it with your partner, it builds up and turns into the third R, Rejection.

Rejection occurs when so much resistance and resentment has built up that it becomes impossible for you to stay emotionally connected to the other person, and you pull away. You may leave the room, you might storm out of the house, or you might just shut down and refuse to acknowledge the other person or pay attention to them.

The signs of Rejection are: not wanting to be with your partner; always polarizing with whatever point of view they take; fantasizing about other people or having affairs. Rejection is the natural consequence of carrying around stored-up resentment. You cannot be near or relate to your partner without feeling all of your accumulated tension and resentment, so you just push them away in order to get some relief. During this stage, your sex life will deteriorate tremendously if it hasn't already. If you end a relationship while it is in the Rejection stage, the breakup will be painful and bitter.

If you don't tell the truth about your feelings of Rejection and resolve them with your partner, your Rejection builds up and turns into the next level of separation, Repression.

Repression is the most dangerous of the four R's. It occurs when you are so tired of resisting, resenting and rejecting that you successfully repress all of your negative emotions to 'keep the peace' for the sake of the family or to look good to the world. Repression is a state of emotional numbness. You numb yourself to your feelings in order to be comfortable. The numbness spills over into the rest of your life. You lose your enthusiasm and aliveness. Life may become predictable and boring. You may feel physically tired much of the time.

Some people are such experts at repressing their feelings that they move automatically from Resistance right down to Repression in a few moments without even realizing what they are doing.

Every time you express the complete truth about your feelings and get back to the love inside, you are increasing your ability to love. Every time you
suppress the complete truth and automatically repress your feelings, your ability to love decreases.

When I got to Resentment I had had enough pain. I had begged, pleaded, argued, cajoled, pouted and even threatened him to no avail. I was cooking, cleaning, parenting, working, tutoring, paying the bills, interfacing with the school. I was a single parent with the added burden of a husband. He didn't have a problem. I took care of everything.

When I got to the point where I was looking forward to my spouse's eventual death so I could "get on with my life", I knew I had to quit. I loved my son and I loved my husband but I had had enough pain.

This is what I want my relationships to look like

I went back and was re-reading my post. I just love this picture.

They are content. They are relaxed. They are comfortable with each other.

I was walking in my neighborhood park in the rain. It was a misty rain, the kind that makes everything look magical. Rebel was off running and a kid rides up to share the shelter of the big redwood I was under. We both just stood there, looking into the mist.

He looks up at me, shaggy hair and big innocent eyes, and says, "copacetic".

The dogs are copacetic - very satisfactory or acceptable - and that's what I want my relationships to look, and feel, like.

Picture Analysis

I remember my first crush. He was 11 or 12 and I was 10 or 11. He had shaggy brown hair and blue eyes and he liked to show me how to do things on his family's farm. We rode on tractors and captured, killed and skinned moles. We played in the wheat silos until I got asthma real bad and had to go lie down.

We spent all day long running wild in the corn fields or down by the creek. Our hair got lighter and our skin darker as the summer wore on.

I liked his stories and the way he laughed and the adults noticed how well we got along. I couldn't admit that I liked him but I think they could see it.

There was one picture of us on a horse. We had been riding all over the farm, he in front and me behind. I felt hot being so close to him and was self conscious about being right up next to him. Touching him.

When I looked at the picture of us riding along so close, so intimate, I couldn't believe how awkward and silly I looked. My hips were right behind his but my chest was a foot away from him. I was as far away from him as I could get and still be on the horse. This was too close for me, touching a man, this was too intimate for me.

I have a great friend that's been married for 15+ years. They have beautiful kids and have achieved a lot in life - if you care about material stuff. Their photos look like my horse picture. She holds everyone away from her - even her husband.

After 15 years.

Look at your photos. Can you see the relationships in them? How far away do you keep people. Who do you put your back to and who do you hold close?

Practice Humility

I have this nasty little monster. The one that wants to look better than everyone else. The one that judges other people and then "notices" how much better I do/wear/know things. The one that looks at a suitor's car before I will go out with him.

This part of me thinks it's protecting me. It thinks that if I just figure it out then I'll be able to make the "correct" choice. It's the part of me that wants to avoid pain - all pain - at any price.

Now, this is not to say that I am a masochist and enjoy pain - though there was that one relationship that seemed to be mostly pain - but, I think there is good pain and bad pain.

Good pain, you say, are you kidding?

During the school year of sixth grade one of my friends gained close to six inches in height. He went from being the shrimp to a big awkward young man over the course of the year. I remember him rubbing just below his knees and complaining about his "growing pains". That was what his doctor had labeled them. The pain was from growing too quickly.

To me, this is good pain. When I am working on myself and recognizing my defects and admitting my mistakes, it's really hard. I want to look good so admitting my deepest darkest fears is scary. It's being vulnerable. It's being courageous. It's growing me. It's good pain.

Then there's the pain of hiding. The pain of staying in my little box. Doing what I've always done because I can look good doing it. The pain of self judgment, criticism and comparing my insides with your outsides. The pain that makes my life smaller and smaller until I disappear.

This self pain is the pain I learned from my family. The pain that I continued to perpetuate on myself even when my parents and grandparents were gone. There is no growth in it. No one wins and everyone loses. This is what I consider "bad pain".

The monster has lived with the bad pain for so long that it's familiar, it's known, it says "oh, that's just life".

This monster, my ego, is always what creates the pain. When I let go of the monster, the pain goes away and what is is.

Simple really. As long as I remember that it is what it is, that nasty monster loses it's power over me and I remember that what is is actually pretty darn good today.

Humility. A novel approach to life.