Why Struggle?

My favorite analogy of life is the flowing stream.

It is calm and peaceful and gently ends up at the ocean. I can choose to swim in it, play in it, float along in it, enjoy it or I can try to fight against it and swim upstream.

Of all the choices above; which one do you do most of the time?

For some reason, my default option is to swim upstream.

It reminds me of the annual salmon run. Every year the salmon swim upstream, back to the place of their birth, to lay their eggs. I remember seeing videos of the salmon jumping into the air, using all their energy, to get through the rapids and finally reach their home. It's an incredible, sometimes impossible and ultimately futile feat. Many of the salmon die in the journey but the ones that make it are then able to lay their eggs and die.

So, if it's such a futile task to fight the current, why do I end up there?

I've thought of a few reasons:

Martyr - The Martyr finds a false sense of nobility and significance in the pain. It's a safe way to get connection when what's really sought after is love. Also, this pain is not what I call "good pain". Good pain is when you are stretching and growing. This pain is "stuck" pain; pain that's meant to get you moving but instead you choose to live here. I wasted a lot of years in the "stuck pain".

I can do it/Ego - I didn't have anyone I could count on so I learned to do it all myself. I can't ask for help - that would be admitting weakness and also open me up to rejection. This also is a safe "connection" with self when what's really sought is love.

Fired God - When I was 13 I fired God. He was doing a horrible job with my life and surely I could do better than this slop. God's not doing it quick enough, good enough or the right way.

There are other variations on the above themes - but these seem to be the core issues.

Ultimately, for me, it comes down to this: Trust

I heard a story about a man that asked Mother Teresa to help him pray for clarity. She would not. Taken aback, and a bit put off, he asked her why not. Her response was along the lines of; she never had clarity but she had fully trusted in God.

Today, if I am trusting God, I am enjoying the soft sun on my face as I flow down the river of life on my inner tube.

If I am struggling, and trying to swim upstream, I have fallen back into my painful old habits of fighting god's will for me. I'm not sure why I fight. God's gonna win. He/She always does.

What are you choosing today? Can you let go of the struggle? Can you humble yourself before god, or the stream, or your higher power, or the universe? Do you have to be knocked down on your knees again or can you, instead, choose to go willingly? What do you choose now?