My Dark Night

One of my favorite quotes is from American Beauty: ….but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst…

These last few days, weeks, months, I am not seeing the beauty. I am seeing the sadness, so much so my heart threatens to burst from it. I don’t watch TV because I don’t need all that pain but sometimes the pain just seeps in anyway. My cute baby boy Aaron is 27 on Monday. I had such high hopes and dreams for him but what difference did all my parenting do? I worked so hard to help and fix my bright little boy but I was fighting a fight that’s bigger than me. He’s still a drug addict. Just like his daddy and his granddaddy was and now my ex is raising two more. I watch as my brother struggles with his demons and I can’t do anything about it – but love him. Still, sometimes it’s just so overwhelming, it gets to me…and I find myself saying “What’s the point?” “What will it matter in a million years?’ “Who will even notice?”

This morning I was raging at god, beating him up like a plastic karate doll. You know the kind that you put water into the bottom so no matter how many times you punch and kick it, the doll pops back up to be kicked again. ” I don’t f*ing deserve this! I’m a good person. It’s not fair! Why me? Why so much pain? Where are my loving parents? Where’s my safe place? When can I finally relax and breathe? I am so tired of being strong. Today... I just want to cry.

These days I know enough to suit up and show up so I did. I slogged through my day. I went to my meeting tonight and admitted my darkness. Put it all out on the table for everyone to see. Then I hung out with my good friends – the ones that are there even when you’re grumpy – and got into my car to go home.

As I was pulling onto the freeway, a woman came running at my car. Her little SUV was on the side of the road – they had run out of gas. She was with another woman and there was a small child in the back seat. They asked if they could borrow my cellphone to call the woman’s husband and instead I pulled out my spare gas can – the one I carry because my gas gauge quit working- and the woman’s eyes got real big. “Oh my god, thank you! Oh my GOD she has a gas can!, she called to her friend.” ” We’re almost home, the next exit down. Oh my god, thank you.” They were so cute and excited and we got the gas into their car. The woman thanked me in Spanish and I gave her a hug. The little boy in the back seat peeking out in his PJs. It took a few tries but the car started up and I followed them to the next exit and watched as they went home.

Watching their taillights driving away my eyes welled up in tears as I realized ….there is so much beauty in the world.

You can't get enough of what you don't need

Ram Dass was quoted as saying that pain is our separation from god and addiction is our quest for god. Problem is that the addiction - whether it be love, gambling, drugs or work - addiction has a certain duration while our connection with god is who we are, where we came from and where we are going.

If this were true, why would anyone turn away from god?

I think that before we were here we were with god - whatever form that comes in. There were no blinders on our eyes. Our connection with god was never in doubt. We were connected. Then, once we came into this body, our experience became physical and if I am physical then my god must be physical too. So, where is he. If I can not see him in front of me like I see my brother, then maybe he doesn't exist. Instead our ego kicks in and he think we are awesome. And we are. But not more awesome than god.

Then things do wrong or life just happens and there is pain. The ego shrieks out - I didn't ask for pain! Even good pain - the pain of growth - hurts. When the environment is supporting and loving, this pain can be dealt with. When the environment is dysfunctional, the pain becomes overwhelming and we search for relief.

My pain became overwhelming when I was 13 and my mom was murdered. I officially gave up on god and fired him. He was doing a crap job and I could do better on my own.

At 13 I had not had a sexual experience. Sexuality was never spoken about as "healthy" only as "bad". My naked body was shamed and covered neck to ankle. I was taught that masturbation was bad and had never had an orgasm. I think all of this avoidant behavior plus overwhelming pain made me a prime candidate for love addiction - or at least love distraction.

Just four months after my mom's death, I ran into a 21 year old guy that thought I was special. He had blonde feathered hair and tight big bells and he seemed "bad" enough to know how to "do it", which we proceeded to do on the floor of my parents bedroom. I can still remember the rug burns on my back side.

Sex was fun and I'd never felt anything so amazingly wonderful. I wanted to feel like that all the time. It filled my body with fun hormones and the pain of real life faded for a little while. The calm afterglow of sex was as close to heaven as I had ever felt.

Since I had never felt like that before, I attributed this great new flood of hormones to this guy. I kept him around longer than I would have otherwise. At 14, it was the closest to god that I had ever felt. Problem was, the feeling faded, I realized the guy was just a guy and I was left in the pain again.

Left to find god another way.

Why Struggle?

My favorite analogy of life is the flowing stream.

It is calm and peaceful and gently ends up at the ocean. I can choose to swim in it, play in it, float along in it, enjoy it or I can try to fight against it and swim upstream.

Of all the choices above; which one do you do most of the time?

For some reason, my default option is to swim upstream.

It reminds me of the annual salmon run. Every year the salmon swim upstream, back to the place of their birth, to lay their eggs. I remember seeing videos of the salmon jumping into the air, using all their energy, to get through the rapids and finally reach their home. It's an incredible, sometimes impossible and ultimately futile feat. Many of the salmon die in the journey but the ones that make it are then able to lay their eggs and die.

So, if it's such a futile task to fight the current, why do I end up there?

I've thought of a few reasons:

Martyr - The Martyr finds a false sense of nobility and significance in the pain. It's a safe way to get connection when what's really sought after is love. Also, this pain is not what I call "good pain". Good pain is when you are stretching and growing. This pain is "stuck" pain; pain that's meant to get you moving but instead you choose to live here. I wasted a lot of years in the "stuck pain".

I can do it/Ego - I didn't have anyone I could count on so I learned to do it all myself. I can't ask for help - that would be admitting weakness and also open me up to rejection. This also is a safe "connection" with self when what's really sought is love.

Fired God - When I was 13 I fired God. He was doing a horrible job with my life and surely I could do better than this slop. God's not doing it quick enough, good enough or the right way.

There are other variations on the above themes - but these seem to be the core issues.

Ultimately, for me, it comes down to this: Trust

I heard a story about a man that asked Mother Teresa to help him pray for clarity. She would not. Taken aback, and a bit put off, he asked her why not. Her response was along the lines of; she never had clarity but she had fully trusted in God.

Today, if I am trusting God, I am enjoying the soft sun on my face as I flow down the river of life on my inner tube.

If I am struggling, and trying to swim upstream, I have fallen back into my painful old habits of fighting god's will for me. I'm not sure why I fight. God's gonna win. He/She always does.

What are you choosing today? Can you let go of the struggle? Can you humble yourself before god, or the stream, or your higher power, or the universe? Do you have to be knocked down on your knees again or can you, instead, choose to go willingly? What do you choose now?