Competition

The sicker I am, the more I compete.

I grew up thinking competition was good. I saw it in my parents, on television and in school. Everyone wanted to be "the Best" and to be acknowledged for that.

So, I competed.

I got A's in school.
I made more money than my husband.
I showed you that I was so much better than you were.

There is healthy competition and then there is what I do. I try to show that I am better than you by beating you at something. It can be anything. Today, that "better than" attitude repulses me. And that's where I go when I am not well. Something is bothering me. Something has me on edge. I notice it in my behavior.

Two things were apparent to me yesterday;

1) I was trying to get around a car on the road but, they would speed up when I had a clearing. I was driving behind, off to the right a little, waiting for my turn, when I got flipped off.

2) I was in the library. I had a pile of books and there was someone at the first machine so I took the second. I was intent on beating him to get finished. Of course, he was disabled and holding on to his crutches and trying to manage the machine and I should have stopped and helped him, or at least made sure he was OK. Instead I was racing out the door with my computer generated receipt.

Today, competing is a red flag for me. It's a time to slow down and take a good look at what's going on with Rebekah. It's time to be still , to be listening and to be gentle.

Anger

I had a huge upwelling of Anger a few weeks ago. I had been feeling the tension in my body. I turned my attention to it. The pain was in my neck.

My neck had been stiff and painful for a few weeks but, my neck has been one of the area that has been chronically painful.

I focused on this area that was hurting, at the base of my neck and I asked it it's name.

"repression"

I was taken aback. I realized that the base of my neck is also my throat and got this:

The Throat Chakra is associated with the color sky blue. This chakra is our will center. The healthfulness of the fifth chakra is in relation to how honestly one expresses himself/herself. Lying violates the body and spirit . We speak our choices with our voices (throats). All choices we make in our lives have consequences on an energetic level. Even choosing not to make a choice such as in repressing our anger (not speaking out) may manifest into laryngitis. We have all experienced that "lump in our throats" when we are at a crossroad of not knowing how to speak the right words in any given situation, perhaps even stuffing our own emotions. A challenge of the throat chakra is to express ourselves in the most truthful manner. Also to receive and assimilate information. Seek only the truth.

from:http://healing.about.com/cs/chakras/a/chakra5.htm

I then visualized this knot at the base of my neck. I was black and shaped like the roots of a tree - wide on the sides and deeply rooted.

I then went in with a pick-axe and broke it all up and excavated it.

Next I got out my plastic baseball bat and my balance ball. I positioned the ball in a corner so it couldn't get away. I then told "them" what I always wanted to tell them:

• I always fucking hated you
• You were never there for me
• where the fuck where you when I needed you
• it's not my fault
• I was 8 years old! you were fucking 69
  

etc., etc.

I kept the bat around all day and when something came up, I said it out loud as I pummeled the ball.

Each time my body loosened and I breathed a little deeper.

Finally, I went running.

I used the jarring of my pace to visualize the YEARS of anger that I had stuffed or bottled up.
It was hard, black and shiny, like molten lava that's cooled into an almost glasslike substance.
The pounding of my running bounced this around in my body until is was fine glass like shards. I then visualized burning and breathing it out in dark clouds, liquid like ink leaking from my veins and clouds like a locomotive smoke stack farting it all out until the outline of my body was like misty white clouds.

It felt like relief. I felt lighter and looser and wholer than I can ever remember.

My knots are gone and my neck doesn't hurt. It feels looser than it has for years!

That should do it for a while :-)

You're Only As Sick as Your Secrets

We all have secrets. Secret wishes, secret desires, secret dreams.

Then there are the polite secrets; your butt does look fat in those pants, I do want to sleep with your 19 year old son, I do get paid more than you do.

In my recovery; the secrets I need to watch out for are my secret shame and my secret behavior.

The secret behavior that comes to mind is my client Bria. She was a single successful woman with two kids, eight and eleven. She looks good, her kids were bright and bubbly and most people thought of her as a success. Her secret was that she would binge in the middle of the night. Sometimes she wouldn't even realize what she was doing until the refrigerator light illuminated the empty left over dishes or she would get up the next day to find cookie wrappers on the kitchen counter.

As another example, I can still vividly remember a shaming incident of my childhood. We were driving somewhere in the family car and I had my mother's home-made quilt over me. The smooth fabric felt good on my skin so I took my clothes off under the blanket. When my mother realized what I was doing she ripped the blanket off of me, exposing my underwear clad body. I was mortified and ashamed and humiliated. It taught me that my body and pleasures of the body were somehow wrong.

The fourth step tells us to "make a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all". For me, the person I had harmed the most was me. Exposing my imperfection is just what I'd spent all my time and energy to suppress. I lived behind the facade and no one could really see who the real Rebekah was. It was super difficult for me to put down this armor. I had the illusion that it was protecting me when it was actually my own self imposed prison. I finally admitted that I am not perfect. This "housecleaning" helped me to identify what my secrets were and ultimately be able to laugh at all the crazy things I do.

I am only as sick as my secrets. Today I have a loving sponsor and a loving god that still thinks I am the cutest thing even though I haven't lived up to the impossible expectation of perfection.