Competition

The sicker I am, the more I compete.

I grew up thinking competition was good. I saw it in my parents, on television and in school. Everyone wanted to be "the Best" and to be acknowledged for that.

So, I competed.

I got A's in school.
I made more money than my husband.
I showed you that I was so much better than you were.

There is healthy competition and then there is what I do. I try to show that I am better than you by beating you at something. It can be anything. Today, that "better than" attitude repulses me. And that's where I go when I am not well. Something is bothering me. Something has me on edge. I notice it in my behavior.

Two things were apparent to me yesterday;

1) I was trying to get around a car on the road but, they would speed up when I had a clearing. I was driving behind, off to the right a little, waiting for my turn, when I got flipped off.

2) I was in the library. I had a pile of books and there was someone at the first machine so I took the second. I was intent on beating him to get finished. Of course, he was disabled and holding on to his crutches and trying to manage the machine and I should have stopped and helped him, or at least made sure he was OK. Instead I was racing out the door with my computer generated receipt.

Today, competing is a red flag for me. It's a time to slow down and take a good look at what's going on with Rebekah. It's time to be still , to be listening and to be gentle.