What makes you come alive?

I was watching "Hairspray" this week. Hairspray is set in the 50s - when social mores were crazy rigid. The conflict in it was between the "real kids" and the "fake kids". The real kids were heavy or black, while the fake kids were "perfect", blonde, thin, superficial. It got me thinking about who society tells us we need to be.

In the 50s era it was; do as you're told, don't speak unless you are spoken to, church on Sunday, college, corporate job, 2.5 kids, and if the mind numbing repetition got to you there were "mother's little helpers" to get you through another day. It was a society that was "checked out". Everyone knew what was going on but no one spoke of it. If you got pregnant you "went away" for a while. If you married a black guy, you never - in 54 years of marriage - took him home - which was my Aunt's story. You did what you were told and never complained if you were unhappy.

Then came "the pill" and divorce, which liberated women from her minuscule role in life and let her leave the house to explore the outside world. The world changed pretty quickly and societal expectations opened up. There were more possibilities. The hippie subculture rebelled and then came free love and self expression. If growth were linear we'd all be living our dreams by now.

Today I find myself bored.

Work has gotten routine. I can do it. I know how to make it happen but, I need VARIETY to get me fired up. The same old paper pushing stuff day after day just makes me feel like I have already died and they forgot to close the casket. I now totally understand why most heart attacks happen Monday morning. People would rather die than have to do it one more day!

Not everyone was meant to work 50 years for the gold watch. Not everyone was meant to get married. Not everyone was meant to have kids. Not everyone was meant to be with the opposite sex. Not everyone was meant to go to college. No one was meant to waste their life living someone else's dream.

I believe dreams come from god. I believe that, just like talents, god wants us to live our dreams well. When God mended you together in your mother's womb he also mended in dreams, love, joy, passion, excitement and so much more. Joseph Campbell said "follow your bliss" but, I say "follow your heart". When I use the word "bliss" I get myself too wrapped up in it. There is no ego, competition, or fear in my heart.

When I am on the path to my dreams, it all falls into place. I can do no wrong. God's hand guides my way. I can feel my heart beat, my face is flush and all smiles. There is a magic, a glow, to someone living their dreams. You can see it. You can also see the folks that are worn down by the rules of their world. There is no room for rainbows or butterflies. It's all been beaten out of them and even their complexion is dull.

My favorite line from a "course in Miracles" is "God's wish for you is perfect happiness". God put our desires into us so that we could expand them in his glory. God is not punishing or vengeful or impressed by my martyrdom. He gave me possibilities and expects me to take risks and explore and truly live this life.

When I die, I don't want it to be with all of my dreams tightly knit into my heart. I will be able to say that I lived this life and it was a life well lived.

Sought through prayer and meditiation to improve my conscious contact with god

I arrogantly call Dallas a "spiritual wasteland" and love to be pleasantly surprised - which I was last night.

I found a place that does the Oneness Blessing - google it for background and locations near you. It's basically a guided meditation and an opening to allow god in.

Everyone that does it has their own interpretation and blessings that come from it. I encourage you to try it.

This morning I got up and read the reading for yesterday in a Course in Miracles:

Lesson 124

Let me remember I am one with God
Today we will again give thanks for our Identity in God Our home is safe, protection guaranteed in all we do, power and strength available to us in all our undertakings. We can fail in nothing. Everything we touch takes on a shining light that blesses and that heals. At one with God and with the universe we go our way rejoicing, with the thought that God Himself goes everywhere with us.
How holy are our minds! And everything we see reflects the holiness within the mind at one with God and with itself How easily do errors disappear, and death give place to everlasting life. Our shining footprints point the way to truth, for God is our Companion as we walk the world a little while. And those who come to follow us will recognize the way because the light we carry stays behind, yet still remains with us as we walk on.
What we receive is our eternal gift to those who follow after, and to those who went before or stayed with us a while And God, Who loves us with the equal love in which we were created, smiles on us and offers us the happiness we gave.
Today we will not doubt His Love for us, nor question His protection and His care No meaningless anxieties can come between our faith and our awareness of His Presence. We are one with Him today in recognition and remembrance. We feel Him in our hearts. Our minds contain His Thoughts; our eyes behold His loveliness in all we look upon. Today we see only the loving and the lovable.
We see it in appearances of pain, and pain gives way to peace We see it in the frantic, in the sad and the distressed, the lonely and afraid, who are restored to the tranquility and peace of mind in which they were created. And we see it in the dying and the dead as well, restoring them to life. All this we see because we saw it first within ourselves.
No miracle can ever be denied to those who know that they are one with God No thought of theirs but has the power to heal all forms of suffering in anyone, in times gone by and times as yet to come, as easily as in the ones who walk beside them now. Their thoughts are timeless, and apart from distance as apart from time.
We join in this awareness as we say that we are one with God For in these words we say as well that we are saved and healed; that we can save and heal accordingly. We have accepted, and we now would give. For we would keep the gifts our Father gave. Today we would experience ourselves at one with Him, so that the world may share our recognition of reality. In our experience the world is freed. As we deny our separation from our Father, it is healed along with us.
Peace be to you today Secure your peace by practicing awareness you are one with your Creator, as He is with you. Sometime today, whenever it seems best, devote a half an hour to the thought that you are one with God. This is our first attempt at an extended period for which we give no rules nor special words to guide your meditation. We will trust God's Voice to speak as He sees fit today, certain He will not fail. Abide with Him this half an hour. He will do the rest.
Your benefit will not be less if you believe that nothing happens You may not be ready to accept the gain today. Yet sometime, somewhere, it will come to you, nor will you fail to recognize it when it dawns with certainty upon your mind. This half an hour will be framed in gold, with every minute like a diamond set around the mirror that this exercise will offer you. And you will see Christ's face upon it, in reflection of your own.
Perhaps today, perhaps tomorrow, you will see your own transfiguration in the glass this holy half an hour will hold out to you, to look upon yourself When you are ready you will find it there, within your mind and waiting to be found. You will remember then the thought to which you gave this half an hour, thankfully aware no time was ever better spent.
Perhaps today, perhaps tomorrow, you will look into this glass, and understand the sinless light you see belongs to you; the loveliness you look on is your own Count this half hour as your gift to God, in certainty that His return will be a sense of love you cannot understand, a joy too deep for you to comprehend, a sight too holy for the body's eyes to see. And yet you can be sure someday, perhaps today, perhaps tomorrow, you will understand and comprehend and see.
Add further jewels to the golden frame that holds the mirror offered you today, by hourly repeating to yourself:
Let me remember I am one with God, at one with all
my brothers and my Self, in everlasting holiness and peace

A great reminder that I am on my path and that God is searching for me - leading me to him.

Choosing Pain

Whatever is in my life today is what I chose to be in my life - and I continue to choose every day.

My folks didn't meet, look into each others eyes and say "yes, you are going to be 10 years of living hell, let's do it". That's not the way the fairy tales are told. My aunt gave me a picture of my folks when they happily together; leaning into each other and smiling. She was all passive and sweet, he was protective and strong. Is that the "new love" thing - feeling like this guy/gal is going to meet all my needs and desires and we'll live happily ever after?

My mother told me that she was looking forward to being out of my grandmother's house, my father probably thought he was replacing his doting mother. Then the reality of my father graduating and going into the air force - gone for long periods of time - like until I was 2 and my brother was born. My mom was left with an infant and dependent upon my selfish dad to send her money while she went to school. She always hated how tight he was with money - unless it was for him. She sewed our clothes and cooked while he went on hunting trips. We were living in Thousand Oaks, when I was 6, and he was gone most weekends so, while he was gone one weekend, she got a dog. Boy, were there arguments about that!

How do we get from "you fill all my needs" to "I'm gonna replace you with a dog you rat bastard" in 6 short years?

I was just chatting with a friend about how his "women friends" fell in love with what they wanted him to be - not what he is.

My brother had this funny saying about "who did you fall in love with if you want me to change?" He always said it with his cute puppy dog confused face which made me laugh.

When we are "in love" we overlook all the bad. It's nature's little trick. New love creates oxycodone-like drugs that leave the couple in a stupor. Even when the bad is seen, it's dismissed. Then as the drugs wear off, little glimmers of reality creep in and fear replaces the drugs. This is when honesty, self-esteem and communication skills are required.

Most people are not good negotiators in business then add the emotional roller coaster of a relationship and they are doomed. Maybe they just don't realize that relationships are negotiations, that it is time to show up and be vulnerable and respectful and playful and work things out with this person that they adore. They either defer everything and resent it, or use force, manipulation, crying, anger, victim-hood, the kids [which really means pulling their one source for love], etc. to control the other person into doing things their way - which causes gigantic resentment and a move away from love.

It takes a lot of courage and honesty to say "that hurt my feelings" or "I disagree" or "I need this and that to feel loved" and then to be able to discuss the issue without trying to "hurt" the other person.

My main weapons were; certainty - I know what this is and how to handle it, ripping into their character/pushing their buttons, and just doing what I wanted without consulting the other person.

It was a wicked set of weapons and they didn't get me what I truly wanted. What I truly wanted was to be loved, unconditionally. I didn't know how to say "I don't know", "I am scared", "can we really do this" or "I just need to be hugged for a while". In that dark hour they may not be there for me and then I'd have to face the truth; that I was really all alone in this relationship.

Instead of facing this truth, I used my weapons over and over, sinking deeper into despair with each use, until the pain was too big, the loneliness too deep, the despair too inky black to bear for one moment more.

Lay Your Armour Down

My friend, David, first said this to me a few years ago. It was the first time that I realized that I was wearing armour.

Then I started thinking about the first few years of my life, my Dad was in the Air Force and stationed in Pakistan. I was just a little girl but, in a lot of ways I was the man of the house. Then my father came home from the military and my brother was born and the fighting began. I had to protect my mom from my dad. I was still the man of the house. Then my parents got divorced and we stayed with my dad and I competed to be the man of the house - just like my mom had competed with my dad. It was all competition and "better than" and judgment. I became a good jouster and it was exhausting.

It was the only game I knew so I played it in my relationships. For years, I competed until I was the man of the house. There can be only one man so, the relationships broke apart. I liked to blame it on them but, it takes two. In everything, it takes two.

Today, I am tired. I am a great jouster and I know I can "win" but, today, winning is futile. It does not give me what I want. It does not allow me to be the woman that has been hiding inside this armour all these years. Today, I choose to do it differently. Today I can be vulnerable and needy and not be weak. Today I can lay my armour down because, the armies have gone home. The war is over.

Today I can sit in my back yard and listen to the squirrels chirp and watch the geese fly over, as they honk their presence, and I can rest. I can show my fears to my friends and know that they won't attack. Today I can use my strength to show my true self, my soft underbelly, my Achilles heel and know that the people around me today are not the enemy, they are friends, they are sent by God, and they are not impressed with the armour but love what is beneath.

Competition

The sicker I am, the more I compete.

I grew up thinking competition was good. I saw it in my parents, on television and in school. Everyone wanted to be "the Best" and to be acknowledged for that.

So, I competed.

I got A's in school.
I made more money than my husband.
I showed you that I was so much better than you were.

There is healthy competition and then there is what I do. I try to show that I am better than you by beating you at something. It can be anything. Today, that "better than" attitude repulses me. And that's where I go when I am not well. Something is bothering me. Something has me on edge. I notice it in my behavior.

Two things were apparent to me yesterday;

1) I was trying to get around a car on the road but, they would speed up when I had a clearing. I was driving behind, off to the right a little, waiting for my turn, when I got flipped off.

2) I was in the library. I had a pile of books and there was someone at the first machine so I took the second. I was intent on beating him to get finished. Of course, he was disabled and holding on to his crutches and trying to manage the machine and I should have stopped and helped him, or at least made sure he was OK. Instead I was racing out the door with my computer generated receipt.

Today, competing is a red flag for me. It's a time to slow down and take a good look at what's going on with Rebekah. It's time to be still , to be listening and to be gentle.

Anger

I had a huge upwelling of Anger a few weeks ago. I had been feeling the tension in my body. I turned my attention to it. The pain was in my neck.

My neck had been stiff and painful for a few weeks but, my neck has been one of the area that has been chronically painful.

I focused on this area that was hurting, at the base of my neck and I asked it it's name.

"repression"

I was taken aback. I realized that the base of my neck is also my throat and got this:

The Throat Chakra is associated with the color sky blue. This chakra is our will center. The healthfulness of the fifth chakra is in relation to how honestly one expresses himself/herself. Lying violates the body and spirit . We speak our choices with our voices (throats). All choices we make in our lives have consequences on an energetic level. Even choosing not to make a choice such as in repressing our anger (not speaking out) may manifest into laryngitis. We have all experienced that "lump in our throats" when we are at a crossroad of not knowing how to speak the right words in any given situation, perhaps even stuffing our own emotions. A challenge of the throat chakra is to express ourselves in the most truthful manner. Also to receive and assimilate information. Seek only the truth.

from:http://healing.about.com/cs/chakras/a/chakra5.htm

I then visualized this knot at the base of my neck. I was black and shaped like the roots of a tree - wide on the sides and deeply rooted.

I then went in with a pick-axe and broke it all up and excavated it.

Next I got out my plastic baseball bat and my balance ball. I positioned the ball in a corner so it couldn't get away. I then told "them" what I always wanted to tell them:

• I always fucking hated you
• You were never there for me
• where the fuck where you when I needed you
• it's not my fault
• I was 8 years old! you were fucking 69
  

etc., etc.

I kept the bat around all day and when something came up, I said it out loud as I pummeled the ball.

Each time my body loosened and I breathed a little deeper.

Finally, I went running.

I used the jarring of my pace to visualize the YEARS of anger that I had stuffed or bottled up.
It was hard, black and shiny, like molten lava that's cooled into an almost glasslike substance.
The pounding of my running bounced this around in my body until is was fine glass like shards. I then visualized burning and breathing it out in dark clouds, liquid like ink leaking from my veins and clouds like a locomotive smoke stack farting it all out until the outline of my body was like misty white clouds.

It felt like relief. I felt lighter and looser and wholer than I can ever remember.

My knots are gone and my neck doesn't hurt. It feels looser than it has for years!

That should do it for a while :-)

You're Only As Sick as Your Secrets

We all have secrets. Secret wishes, secret desires, secret dreams.

Then there are the polite secrets; your butt does look fat in those pants, I do want to sleep with your 19 year old son, I do get paid more than you do.

In my recovery; the secrets I need to watch out for are my secret shame and my secret behavior.

The secret behavior that comes to mind is my client Bria. She was a single successful woman with two kids, eight and eleven. She looks good, her kids were bright and bubbly and most people thought of her as a success. Her secret was that she would binge in the middle of the night. Sometimes she wouldn't even realize what she was doing until the refrigerator light illuminated the empty left over dishes or she would get up the next day to find cookie wrappers on the kitchen counter.

As another example, I can still vividly remember a shaming incident of my childhood. We were driving somewhere in the family car and I had my mother's home-made quilt over me. The smooth fabric felt good on my skin so I took my clothes off under the blanket. When my mother realized what I was doing she ripped the blanket off of me, exposing my underwear clad body. I was mortified and ashamed and humiliated. It taught me that my body and pleasures of the body were somehow wrong.

The fourth step tells us to "make a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all". For me, the person I had harmed the most was me. Exposing my imperfection is just what I'd spent all my time and energy to suppress. I lived behind the facade and no one could really see who the real Rebekah was. It was super difficult for me to put down this armor. I had the illusion that it was protecting me when it was actually my own self imposed prison. I finally admitted that I am not perfect. This "housecleaning" helped me to identify what my secrets were and ultimately be able to laugh at all the crazy things I do.

I am only as sick as my secrets. Today I have a loving sponsor and a loving god that still thinks I am the cutest thing even though I haven't lived up to the impossible expectation of perfection.