It used to be that being needed was enough.

My mom needed me. I was the oldest, the strongest, the calmest. I could deflect my father's anger and "save" her. I could help get the kids, and make sure they were clean and behaving. I could make dinner and get the kids to bed. There was power in this. It strokes my ego to be needed and there is also certainty in being needed. If you can't live without me then you'll think twice before you toss me aside.

It also means that I was always working to improve the ways you need me, for fear that you would figure out how to make your own sandwich and not need me any more. It's a foundation built on sand.

My brothers and sisters needed me. I could beat up the bully - or them if they didn't do what I wanted, I knew who the teachers were and I could reach the peanut butter if it was on the top shelf. As they grew up they rebelled against my controlling ways and we had to re-establish our relationships based on give and take, equality. They would no longer take my bullshit because they were tall enough to get the peanut butter themselves.

In my marriages I knew I was needed; #1 needed me to get him out of jail, #2 needed me to raise his son, #3 needed me to feel safe and I needed him to feel safe.

#3 was my best friend. He was weak and he needed me but, he totally loved and supported me in any way he could. The biggest gift he gave me was unconditional love. I could tell him anything and he was ok. He knew all the things I was ashamed of and he still thought I was awesome. #3 helped me realize that I didn't have to do anything to be loved. I was enough just the way I was.

It was the first time the pressure to take care of everything wasn't there. It had been like carrying around a bowling ball while I ran through life. #3 took the bowling ball and freed me from the compulsion to please. He made it safe to look at the pain without feeling overwhelmed by it all. He finally made it ok to be human.

The biggest gift I got from #3 and from program has been love and acceptance. In my childhood there were strings attached to love. I learned to NOT let anyone help me because the expectation was that I would "help" them back. The price was always too high. I learned to not need anyone. To keep people out. To not use my "need" budget. I learned to not have needs.

Today when I give it's not a manipulation. I give what I can without expectation of anything. There is no "I'll love you if". I just love. It's what I was meant to do.

One way that I know I am doing this is by the people that come up to me to thank me for something. They remember when I did _________ for them. "I owe you so much" they say. I just smile and give them a hug. I don't even remember what it was that I gave. I am not keeping track.

Today, that's a very good thing.

Choosing Pain

Whatever is in my life today is what I chose to be in my life - and I continue to choose every day.

My folks didn't meet, look into each others eyes and say "yes, you are going to be 10 years of living hell, let's do it". That's not the way the fairy tales are told. My aunt gave me a picture of my folks when they happily together; leaning into each other and smiling. She was all passive and sweet, he was protective and strong. Is that the "new love" thing - feeling like this guy/gal is going to meet all my needs and desires and we'll live happily ever after?

My mother told me that she was looking forward to being out of my grandmother's house, my father probably thought he was replacing his doting mother. Then the reality of my father graduating and going into the air force - gone for long periods of time - like until I was 2 and my brother was born. My mom was left with an infant and dependent upon my selfish dad to send her money while she went to school. She always hated how tight he was with money - unless it was for him. She sewed our clothes and cooked while he went on hunting trips. We were living in Thousand Oaks, when I was 6, and he was gone most weekends so, while he was gone one weekend, she got a dog. Boy, were there arguments about that!

How do we get from "you fill all my needs" to "I'm gonna replace you with a dog you rat bastard" in 6 short years?

I was just chatting with a friend about how his "women friends" fell in love with what they wanted him to be - not what he is.

My brother had this funny saying about "who did you fall in love with if you want me to change?" He always said it with his cute puppy dog confused face which made me laugh.

When we are "in love" we overlook all the bad. It's nature's little trick. New love creates oxycodone-like drugs that leave the couple in a stupor. Even when the bad is seen, it's dismissed. Then as the drugs wear off, little glimmers of reality creep in and fear replaces the drugs. This is when honesty, self-esteem and communication skills are required.

Most people are not good negotiators in business then add the emotional roller coaster of a relationship and they are doomed. Maybe they just don't realize that relationships are negotiations, that it is time to show up and be vulnerable and respectful and playful and work things out with this person that they adore. They either defer everything and resent it, or use force, manipulation, crying, anger, victim-hood, the kids [which really means pulling their one source for love], etc. to control the other person into doing things their way - which causes gigantic resentment and a move away from love.

It takes a lot of courage and honesty to say "that hurt my feelings" or "I disagree" or "I need this and that to feel loved" and then to be able to discuss the issue without trying to "hurt" the other person.

My main weapons were; certainty - I know what this is and how to handle it, ripping into their character/pushing their buttons, and just doing what I wanted without consulting the other person.

It was a wicked set of weapons and they didn't get me what I truly wanted. What I truly wanted was to be loved, unconditionally. I didn't know how to say "I don't know", "I am scared", "can we really do this" or "I just need to be hugged for a while". In that dark hour they may not be there for me and then I'd have to face the truth; that I was really all alone in this relationship.

Instead of facing this truth, I used my weapons over and over, sinking deeper into despair with each use, until the pain was too big, the loneliness too deep, the despair too inky black to bear for one moment more.