I was thinking about a conflict I am having with a friend when I realized that he holds on to his pain because it makes him feel significant.
We all need to feel important and that can be achieved by having a significant accomplishment or by having a significant problem.
I then started to think about who else I know that does this. In this process I identified another friend that he does the same thing. He has significant pain in his relationship. And it causes deep pain for him. And he holds on to it. He wears it like a medal.
That's two friends that exhibit the same behavior but what about me? Have there been times that I did that? No, I thought "I don't do that" then I realized I DO! Crap!
I am so special because my mom was murdered.
My victim-hood, my martyrdom, my pain makes me significant. Most people can't beat the kind of pain I've had. I've had SIGNIFICANT pain! I held it so tight that I WAS that pain.
Today I don't have to punish myself by holding on to so much pain. I choose to release it.
Beginning with Awareness. Defining the problem. Realizing what it is, what it was and the meaning I gave it. I was the victim of domestic violence. I was the victim with a capital V.
Then moving toward Acceptance. Stating the problem but not OVER stating it. It was just an event that really had nothing to do with me. It was about my parents power struggle...or relationship...or expectations...or dashed dreams. I was an innocent bystander.
Finally, Action. Taking the steps to re-define my identity. I no longer wanted to be poor Rebekah. Rebekah the victim, the martyr. That pain I wore like a cloak, forever hiding the bright shining person behind it. I journaled, I prayed, I meditated and I released it all. My father's selfish action no longer defines me. I hold the pen that defines me.
It's a constant process but I have had moments where I drop that cloak of pain and show the beauty beneath. I get attention and affection in empowering ways today. The need for pity has been lifted.
I am Blessed.
There are some that choose to hold on to the pain. To wallow in it. As if the smell would attract what they want.
I used to think that if I was pathetic enough then someone would come and rescue me. My knight was just waiting for the perfect time. If I only knew how to raise the trumpet and call for him.
Trouble was, god calls that 'doing the footwork'. Smelling the shit was not enough. I had to stop looking to others and instead lift my own feet to look at what was stuck to them. I hadn't done the work of looking my defects straight in the eyes and calling them me. I hadn't mustered the courage to admit that I wasn't perfect but was in fact human. I have made mistakes but those mistakes aren't me.
Today I don't have to be pathetic to be noticed. In fact, I don't have any room for the kind of people that are attracted to pathetic. Today I am finding that it takes just as much courage to show my beauty. I am finding that the people that are attracted to beauty and strength are much more fun to be around.
Today when I look around at my friends I am overcome by how amazing they are. I am humbled to think that these wonderful, strong, beautiful, sexy, vibrant people have become my mirror.
