Run Away

1.00.07

6.142 miles in one hour and seven seconds.

It's 7:14 and I am just leaving Luke's, our local running store and heart of our running community. They host the Park City Morning Running Group on Wednesday mornings by sending in one of the staff to open up and grab a a box of bagels. The bagels slow us down long enough to for our eyes to linger on the latest high tech shoe or hip running garb. It wasn't too hot this morning and I do look forward to the bagels at the end. Today it's whole wheat with blue berry cream cheese. It's a short walk down the alley and the last bite of bagel goes to my sleepy dog who greets me as I come in the door.

At nine, Rebel doesn't run with me anymore. He nuzzled and whined to get me out of bed for the year after my break up. He was much more effective than the antidepressants that my doctor kept suggesting. Now I am paying him back by running on my own before we head out on our daily walk.

My running time is my time with god. My time when everything inside of me bounces around like a water bottle in the trunk of the car. I can hear the bottle rolling around every time I brake or turn and as I run I visualize the black gunkiness of yesterday’s thoughts rolling around inside of me, turning hard and brittle enough to shatter a little more with each stride of my run. Eventually all the black goo turns to glass and shatters into dust. As I exhale the last of my pain is breathed out. My insides are sparkly clean. The empty rice bowl is ready to be filled with today’s gifts.

This morning I was thinking about my weight. Last week Sherry noticed that I was looking slim - and I immediately gained 5 lbs. The sirens went off and red lights flashed a warning, someone had noticed me. As a kid, my grandmother used to dress me in loose "little house on the prairie" styleless garb to hide and protect me from my pedophile grandpa. Today it’s too hot to cover from throat to toe so instead I use the extra pounds to stay just under the radar. I feel safest when there is no blip on the screen, no audible evidence that I exist.

I feel safest when no one notices me. I feel loneliest when no one notices me.

Accepting unacceptable behavior

I've been beaten, I've been raped, I've been tortured, I've been abused. My daddy's
"perfect family" taught me that these things are just part of being a family. It's ironic that my mother's father left when she was four and my grandmother raised my mom and aunt by herself. You'd think that that side of the family - the unacceptable side - would be more abusive. The "perfect" side of my family - the intact family with the football star and the cheerleader - was the side that hid the bruises, cruelty and the pedophilia. To make matters worse, my perfect family called this behavior love.

Both of my grandfather's were alcoholics. Both of my parents were Adult Children that lived with unacceptable behavior and called it "normal", even love. That's why, when my father was cruel to my mother, she took it and hid it from the kids. That's why, when he began beating her, she tried harder and took responsibility for his actions.

In the dysfunction, the perpetrator is never responsible for his own actions - everyone else is. "If I hadn't talked back, if I got better grades, if I was thinner, if I was more beautiful, if I just accept him as he is then he will love me. The victim eventually believes that it is they that are unlovable. It's their fault that no one loves them.

When my dad murdered my mom, he was not responsible. He "felt like an animal in a cage and she just kept poking at him" he "had to do it to protect himself". Each one of the kids - age 7-13 - took responsibility for mom's murder. I should have been there to protect her, my brother knew something was wrong but when he realized that a gun was gone he didn't know what to do - he was 11, my sister opened the door to let my dad in. We shouldered the blame and guilt but the murderer did not.

After the murder, we were expected to go and visit my dad. We were expected to love him after he had taken away the only warm ray of love in our lives. We never talked about why he was in jail. We just pretended that everything was "normal". We tried our best to look perfect.

The perfect house in Almaden was sold. Our things were boxed up and stored at my grandmother's house. There was no debriefing, no accountability, no discussing how to handle things. That whole part of our lives was "removed" and we moved forward.

When boyfriends were selfish I had had worse - my father was the ultimate narcissist so it actually felt familiar. Not good but familiar. When money was taken out of my purse, I put up with it. When my head was slammed into the tile bathroom floor, I took it. I thought I was being loyal and proving my love by staying.


My kid used to get attention by behaving badly. Bad attention was better than being invisible. I did the same thing in relationships. Being seen was preferable to not being seen at all. If I was slapped across the face, I was definitely being noticed. There was even an excitement to being able to get someone's attention to that level. I was so sick.

I have been alone for seven years now. Drama, abuse and cruelty are not part of my life.

When I moved into my apartments in Dallas I was again faced with the power struggle. One of my tenants - a drug addict - had taken on the "alpha" position. Much like the alpha dog, he had chosen my apartments as his territory and had pee'd all over it. He was unpredictable and he had everyone on edge. I noticed the old power struggle energy, I noticed my wanting to knock him off his pedestal. Today I make a different decision. Today I can let that go. It takes two to have an argument and I chose not to argue. I set the rules. I was firm and he chose to move on. Today that drama is unacceptable. Today I choose what behavior is acceptable to me. Today I choose happiness.

My Achilles Heel

An Achilles’ heel is a fatal weakness in spite of overall strength, actually or potentially leading to downfall. - Wikipedia

I turned on the Oprah show this week to see this reverend guy talking about hooking up with men. Then I saw the Chicago legislator that tried to sell Obama's seat. Here are these amazing men, that have done so much good in the world, that have gotten their 15 minutes of fame, not for their accomplishments but, because of their failures.

In program there is a saying 'you are only as sick as your secrets'. When we work our steps we uncover these secrets, we say them out loud, we do our fourth steps around them. Like children afraid of the monsters in the shadows at night, we turn on the light and realize that the hideous monster in the corner is just the cat sleeping on our laundry. Nothing scary and hideous, nothing to be ashamed of. We aren't perfect, but we are very human.

This acceptance, of every part of us, is what heals us in program.

When I first got into program I couldn't accept the life I was living and was ashamed of how low I'd gotten. I had made my drug addict boyfriend my higher power, expecting him to take care of me when he couldn't even take care of himself. When he failed me, I was devastated. Lost and alone after he'd chased off all my friends and isolated me from the world. Not knowing how to live in the light, I hid my true life and feelings from everyone else, further isolating myself, because I couldn't accept your judgment and criticism. My ego kept me in prison.

When I came to program, I expected you to be like the critical and un-pleasable family I grew up in. I expected you to find my Achilles heel and use it against me. Instead, I showed you my weakness and you laughed. I told you my story and you had compassion. I showed you my deep dark secrets and you loved me. You loved the parts of me that I couldn't love myself and slowly I came to see those parts in the light. Without the shame and judgment I could see my defects as coping mechanisms that got me through this life up until now.

Your love healed me.

No longer do we need to sneak around, waiting for our secrets to be exposed. No longer do we hide ourselves from those around us. The other shoe can drop and we'll be ok. That wound has been healed. Healed by love.

What do you see in the mirror?

I was thinking about a conflict I am having with a friend when I realized that he holds on to his pain because it makes him feel significant.

We all need to feel important and that can be achieved by having a significant accomplishment or by having a significant problem.

I then started to think about who else I know that does this. In this process I identified another friend that he does the same thing. He has significant pain in his relationship. And it causes deep pain for him. And he holds on to it. He wears it like a medal.

That's two friends that exhibit the same behavior but what about me? Have there been times that I did that? No, I thought "I don't do that" then I realized I DO! Crap!

I am so special because my mom was murdered.
My victim-hood, my martyrdom, my pain makes me significant. Most people can't beat the kind of pain I've had. I've had SIGNIFICANT pain! I held it so tight that I WAS that pain.

Today I don't have to punish myself by holding on to so much pain. I choose to release it.

Beginning with Awareness. Defining the problem. Realizing what it is, what it was and the meaning I gave it. I was the victim of domestic violence. I was the victim with a capital V.

Then moving toward Acceptance. Stating the problem but not OVER stating it. It was just an event that really had nothing to do with me. It was about my parents power struggle...or relationship...or expectations...or dashed dreams. I was an innocent bystander.

Finally, Action. Taking the steps to re-define my identity. I no longer wanted to be poor Rebekah. Rebekah the victim, the martyr. That pain I wore like a cloak, forever hiding the bright shining person behind it. I journaled, I prayed, I meditated and I released it all. My father's selfish action no longer defines me. I hold the pen that defines me.

It's a constant process but I have had moments where I drop that cloak of pain and show the beauty beneath. I get attention and affection in empowering ways today. The need for pity has been lifted.

I am Blessed.

There are some that choose to hold on to the pain. To wallow in it. As if the smell would attract what they want.

I used to think that if I was pathetic enough then someone would come and rescue me. My knight was just waiting for the perfect time. If I only knew how to raise the trumpet and call for him.

Trouble was, god calls that 'doing the footwork'. Smelling the shit was not enough. I had to stop looking to others and instead lift my own feet to look at what was stuck to them. I hadn't done the work of looking my defects straight in the eyes and calling them me. I hadn't mustered the courage to admit that I wasn't perfect but was in fact human. I have made mistakes but those mistakes aren't me.

Today I don't have to be pathetic to be noticed. In fact, I don't have any room for the kind of people that are attracted to pathetic. Today I am finding that it takes just as much courage to show my beauty. I am finding that the people that are attracted to beauty and strength are much more fun to be around.

Today when I look around at my friends I am overcome by how amazing they are. I am humbled to think that these wonderful, strong, beautiful, sexy, vibrant people have become my mirror.

Anger

I had a huge upwelling of Anger a few weeks ago. I had been feeling the tension in my body. I turned my attention to it. The pain was in my neck.

My neck had been stiff and painful for a few weeks but, my neck has been one of the area that has been chronically painful.

I focused on this area that was hurting, at the base of my neck and I asked it it's name.

"repression"

I was taken aback. I realized that the base of my neck is also my throat and got this:

The Throat Chakra is associated with the color sky blue. This chakra is our will center. The healthfulness of the fifth chakra is in relation to how honestly one expresses himself/herself. Lying violates the body and spirit . We speak our choices with our voices (throats). All choices we make in our lives have consequences on an energetic level. Even choosing not to make a choice such as in repressing our anger (not speaking out) may manifest into laryngitis. We have all experienced that "lump in our throats" when we are at a crossroad of not knowing how to speak the right words in any given situation, perhaps even stuffing our own emotions. A challenge of the throat chakra is to express ourselves in the most truthful manner. Also to receive and assimilate information. Seek only the truth.

from:http://healing.about.com/cs/chakras/a/chakra5.htm

I then visualized this knot at the base of my neck. I was black and shaped like the roots of a tree - wide on the sides and deeply rooted.

I then went in with a pick-axe and broke it all up and excavated it.

Next I got out my plastic baseball bat and my balance ball. I positioned the ball in a corner so it couldn't get away. I then told "them" what I always wanted to tell them:

• I always fucking hated you
• You were never there for me
• where the fuck where you when I needed you
• it's not my fault
• I was 8 years old! you were fucking 69
  

etc., etc.

I kept the bat around all day and when something came up, I said it out loud as I pummeled the ball.

Each time my body loosened and I breathed a little deeper.

Finally, I went running.

I used the jarring of my pace to visualize the YEARS of anger that I had stuffed or bottled up.
It was hard, black and shiny, like molten lava that's cooled into an almost glasslike substance.
The pounding of my running bounced this around in my body until is was fine glass like shards. I then visualized burning and breathing it out in dark clouds, liquid like ink leaking from my veins and clouds like a locomotive smoke stack farting it all out until the outline of my body was like misty white clouds.

It felt like relief. I felt lighter and looser and wholer than I can ever remember.

My knots are gone and my neck doesn't hurt. It feels looser than it has for years!

That should do it for a while :-)