What makes you come alive?

I was watching "Hairspray" this week. Hairspray is set in the 50s - when social mores were crazy rigid. The conflict in it was between the "real kids" and the "fake kids". The real kids were heavy or black, while the fake kids were "perfect", blonde, thin, superficial. It got me thinking about who society tells us we need to be.

In the 50s era it was; do as you're told, don't speak unless you are spoken to, church on Sunday, college, corporate job, 2.5 kids, and if the mind numbing repetition got to you there were "mother's little helpers" to get you through another day. It was a society that was "checked out". Everyone knew what was going on but no one spoke of it. If you got pregnant you "went away" for a while. If you married a black guy, you never - in 54 years of marriage - took him home - which was my Aunt's story. You did what you were told and never complained if you were unhappy.

Then came "the pill" and divorce, which liberated women from her minuscule role in life and let her leave the house to explore the outside world. The world changed pretty quickly and societal expectations opened up. There were more possibilities. The hippie subculture rebelled and then came free love and self expression. If growth were linear we'd all be living our dreams by now.

Today I find myself bored.

Work has gotten routine. I can do it. I know how to make it happen but, I need VARIETY to get me fired up. The same old paper pushing stuff day after day just makes me feel like I have already died and they forgot to close the casket. I now totally understand why most heart attacks happen Monday morning. People would rather die than have to do it one more day!

Not everyone was meant to work 50 years for the gold watch. Not everyone was meant to get married. Not everyone was meant to have kids. Not everyone was meant to be with the opposite sex. Not everyone was meant to go to college. No one was meant to waste their life living someone else's dream.

I believe dreams come from god. I believe that, just like talents, god wants us to live our dreams well. When God mended you together in your mother's womb he also mended in dreams, love, joy, passion, excitement and so much more. Joseph Campbell said "follow your bliss" but, I say "follow your heart". When I use the word "bliss" I get myself too wrapped up in it. There is no ego, competition, or fear in my heart.

When I am on the path to my dreams, it all falls into place. I can do no wrong. God's hand guides my way. I can feel my heart beat, my face is flush and all smiles. There is a magic, a glow, to someone living their dreams. You can see it. You can also see the folks that are worn down by the rules of their world. There is no room for rainbows or butterflies. It's all been beaten out of them and even their complexion is dull.

My favorite line from a "course in Miracles" is "God's wish for you is perfect happiness". God put our desires into us so that we could expand them in his glory. God is not punishing or vengeful or impressed by my martyrdom. He gave me possibilities and expects me to take risks and explore and truly live this life.

When I die, I don't want it to be with all of my dreams tightly knit into my heart. I will be able to say that I lived this life and it was a life well lived.

Dreams

I was driving through some gorgeous real estate yesterday. Big new homes on a golf course. They all had fairway views, 3 car garages and beautiful drive ups. They sweated status and luxury. Problem was, I was valuing this house for the bank that is foreclosing on it.

The whole neighborhood is new, every single house on every single lot was stunning. The house I was looking for was no different. It was a big two story home, with stone facade and a three car garage. I couldn't help but think about the people that lived there. They had bought the home three years ago, when the world was a different place. Real estate was booming, everyone was working, they had no idea that their life would come to this in three short years.

When they put their deposit on this house four years ago I know that they had big dreams for it. They wanted their kids to have their own rooms. Painted specially for each one. They found a home where there was enough room so that as the kids grew they wouldn't outgrow the house. They saw their grandkids playing in the pool one day. They wanted a great community for their kids to grow up in, with great schools and plenty to do. They wanted a big master bedroom so that they could focus on each other at the end of a long day. A sanctuary for their love to grow. They wanted a place where their friends could come, the whole house full of laughter and life. Barbecues by the pool, dinner parties and morning coffee on the patio. They wanted a safe place to come to and be with the people they most loved in the world. They bought more than a home, this was the culmination of their dreams. They had finally made it.

Now - 36 months later - it's over - and it's sad.

For me, when things aren't going the way I want them to, I try harder. I work harder, push harder, I want to MAKE it happen MY way.

This last year, real estate tanked for me. My sales in '08 were practically non-existent but I pushed on. I took classes, redesigned web sites, called everyone I knew but nothing changed. It wasn't coming to me but I still held on.

I know I hold on too long. I want it to work out the way I want it to work out - not the way it really is. If I just try harder, do more, try it this way or that then it'll work. After 10 months of restless sleep and every deal falling apart, I had to admit reality; this was not the life that I wanted. It looked pretty but I was dying inside.

When my denial finally broke - it hit hard. I sold everything. My big beautiful leather sofas, my furniture, my clothes, my china and crystal and silver. I sold my chair swing and my barbecue, my desk and my lawn chairs. I sold my Mercedes and I rented the home I loved. I reduced 45 years worth of stuff into a 19 foot box van and drove it to Dallas.

I don't miss the stress, I don't miss the bills, I don't miss the stuff - too much. Sure, it'd be nice to be in a little bigger place but I have all I need. On our walk this morning I was watching Rebel's big toothy smile as he chased squirrels around the park and his delight at jumping in the creek. Smiling, I thought "we are both happier here".

What was I holding on to for so many stress filled months? It wasn't the escalating credit card debt, it wasn't the sleepless nights or the comfort eating. I think I was holding on to what my life looked like - not what it felt like. Because it felt like hell. I was holding on to what other people thought of me in that big red Mercedes and keeping super busy so that I couldn't feel the desperation in my soul.

The truth is: those people don't need that big house to be happy. If their kids love them they love them, if their relationship is amazing it's amazing, if their friends are really their friends they are really their friends. Instead of thinking there was something missing, I hope they realize that there is nothing missing.

Real love can't be lost. That house is not love. That peanut M&M is not love. That diamond ring is not love. That big red Mercedes is not love. Then I realized, they've had all they need to be happy all along. And so have I.