Safe Love

Last night there were thunder storms. My 9 year old chocolate lab, Rebel, was right beside the bed. Looking for comfort from his mama. I gave him kisses and he laid down right next to the bed. Head between paws, he looked up to see if I was watching. "It's ok, I am right here, go back to sleep" I watched as he looked at me and slowly his eyes closed. He's a sweet safe love.

He loved me before I loved him. I saw it in his eyes and still I held back. How could I give my heart to this animal. He's going to die before me and that would kill me. I justified; he just loves me because I feed him. But I knew that was just a game I was playing. That fear stuff creeping in. OK, he loves me. More than he loves food or having his tummy rubbed. Sure his heart is pure. Sure - but I could get hurt. Could I risk being hurt?

Today I look back at my fear and I laugh. The love of a dog is about the safest love there is! Even beaten dogs love their masters,unconditionally. Just like beaten children love their parents. It's a deep bond. Love and pain all mixed together. Some kids break from this crazy making but many grow up to do the same thing to their kids. Expecting unconditional love from their kids because it's a safe love.

I always picked men that needed me. That I had some control over. The men didn't make me feel safe but the control did. I knew #1 wasn't divorced so, I got that one annulled when I needed to. I had a built in out.

#2 wanted to get married for years. All I would give was a one year option. I really didn't like him that much but we shared the bills and the bed and it was OK. We renewed that option for five years until Aaron came. Then there was a purpose higher than myself and when Aaron's therapist said it would be better for Aaron if we were married. I married him. I was pledging my love to the kid, not the man, and the kid needed me. Not much risk in loving a kid.

#3 loved me unconditionally. He made me feel safe. I could see the rest of my life in his smile. I still loved him conditionally, though. He was an addict and I was afraid he'd go back out. I told him if he ever used again, I would leave. I thought it was a way to keep him from using. Instead he tested my love and addiction lured him to another's bed. I know he still loves me but our paths no longer intersect.

Today I interview my men like I interview a job applicant;

1) Can he do it? Does he light me up? Does he have the skill? Does he have the muscle? Can he be honest? Vulnerable? Do I know his heart? Does he have the heart of a lion or a gopher? Can he challenge me? Can he show up? Will I need to carry him or can we carry each other? Is he my rock?

2) Will he do it? Does he adore me? Does he value relationship? Is that part of his plan? His purpose? His vision? Will he grow with me? Are our values aligned? Are we greater together than apart? Do I open around him or close?[When I am with someone that lights me up I chatter. If I notice myself being quiet, I need to ask myself why]

3) How will he fit into my life? Do my friends like him? Is he great at a party? Can he handle my exes? Can I handle his? Does my life open or close with him in it? Can I see myself growing old with him? Do his kids adore me? Do I live to light him up?

Today there is plenty of safe love in my life. Family and friends and boys. They support me and love me and it's great connection. We pass the time and it's pleasant. The world is good but it's not in technicolor. Today I want to risk it all. Today I want to be scared shitless. To live. To love. A love that's not safe or guaranteed but a love that makes the day brighter, the wind smell of jasmine and my heart pound.