Being Butch

I grew up a tomboy - I loved to run around outside because it kept me out of the house. I was tough and strong and no one wanted to play with me. I didn't have any friends but my brother did so, I tried to hang out with my brother's friends. Being pre-adolescent boys, they wanted nothing to do with me. They tried to get rid of me by hiding and avoiding me. When I did find them they threw rocks at me to keep me away from them. I just made a game of dodging rocks that were thrown at me. I was willing to put up with anything to be accepted. I don't think I ever got hit but they eventually let me hang out with them. A little.

The friend I had at school was my friend because I beat up a boy for her. They were teasing her because she wore glasses and I scared him into leaving her alone.

I learned to excel in school - I got awards for things like reading the most books - and I got attention for doing well at first. Then it became expected and this little rush of attention became a lifetime burden.

I had a few boyfriends along the way - cute 6th grade crushes and that sweet Drew boy that played the electric guitar and sang to me. We made out in the back of his pinto wagon and neither one of us knew what to do. Then my mom was murdered.

Murder changes everything. I replaced my childhood innocence with tough armor that kept everything out. A few months after her death and my 14th birthday I chose a 21 year old stoner boy to initiate me into womanhood. He was weak, he was stupid and he thought I was hot.

Since then it's been a stream of weak men. I remember when I told #2 "I can't do this anymore". I was asking for help, for some promise of something changing but what I got was "I know how you are when you make up your mind so how do you want to do this."

For a woman, that is like death. That is so weak and pathetic. We were together for 9+ years shouldn't I get more than "you've made up your mind"? How about "I know we've grown apart", "we still care about each other what can we do to fix it" or even " I know we've become different people but I'll always love you". Reach down between your legs and make sure they're still there! Just show up just a little bit!

Today the guys that show up are great guys. They have good values and honor me...and we become friends. They were attracted to my energy and my strength because they needed me to be their anchor. Sorry boys, I am not interested in being your anchor. Sure, I can be there for you but you have to show up enough to be there for me, too. If you want to be My Man you have to show up in spades. My man can weather my storms. He smiles right through them knowing that the sunshine is coming. He would never say "you've made up your mind".

Last night I was reading in bed when a girlfriend called. She's doing some real estate and we chatted about that then she asked me about her guy friend. He's in a divorce and he's bending over backwards to not have conflict and to make his ex very happy with the settlement. Which my friend really hates because it will affect her income for the next 5+ years. I told her that pleasing was a very feminine attribute. To which she replied " Oh, I am definitely the guy in the relationship. I am OK with that." "Well then, I replied, why are you mad that his ex is the guy in his last relationship?"