This week I heard a story of a woman in incredible pain and suffering. She's been living with her husband and grown sons in the same house for 30+ years but they don't even talk to each other. She goes home and goes straight to her room. She hasn't had a relationship with any of them for years. When asked when her marriage was over her answer was 1993. 1993!! She's been suffering in silence for 16 years because she is a good christian.
I looked up Martyr: The term martyr (Greek μάρτυς martys "witness") is most commonly used today to describe an individual who sacrifices his or her life (or their personal freedom) in order to further a cause or belief for many. -Wikipedia
So what "cause" is she suffering for?
Is wasting your life what god really wants for us? Is gods wish for us never ending pain?
I put a lot of love and energy into my kid to be a "good parent". I spent time and money that I didn't have to take care of him. I stuck beside my brother when he was in jail. I stayed in an abusive relationship to "prove" my love for him. I lent money to my brothers and sisters to help them. I was sacrificial in my giving and when they didn't appreciate it I was pissed.
"After all I have done for you"
There is significance in being a Martyr. There is significance in the pain because the pain is significant but what I really wanted was to be loved. How is pain supposed to get me love? That's just sick thinking.
No one asked me to be in pain. God's wish for me is not "perfect pain" but "perfect happiness".
Jesus is the ultimate martyr; he died so others may live.
Today I don't have to die physically but I can die to my ego and not try to fill up my love bucket with pain. I don't believe that real love has any pain in it.
The struggle, the suffering, the martyrdom is all optional.
It's old sick behavior that I did to feel important. It's old sick behavior that I did to be noticed.
What I realize today is that the healthy people just noticed that I was sick and the sick people just noticed that they could take advantage of me. What this behavior really did was distract me from my loneliness. It's like smashing a finger with a hammer to get rid of a headache.
My life was hell but I knew what it was. I was too cowardly to do it different. Even when an open door was presented I hesitated. I was afraid to give up all I had. I held on until all I "had" was ripped from my closed hand. God did for me what I could not do for myself.
I resented everyone. I was angry. I was afraid. I was numbed out. It almost killed me like it killed my mom.
Today my red flags are: having to "prove" anything, suffering, pain, "It's not that bad", loneliness, "after all I've done for you", "I've had worse", "I should just be grateful for what I have".
Today I deserve JOY, which is polar opposite to "not that bad". I don't have to minimize my pain today to make it manageable. Today I can open to the possibility that god's wish for me - and my wish for me - is perfect happiness. Today I deserve to be happy.
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