What's a parent's greatest gift?

I have this beautiful man in Colorado. He is such an inspiration to me because today he is living his dream. He is a full time referee, on the field doing what he loves and traveling the states. The inspirational part to me is that he was an achiever, working the stress of corporate sales during the day and in a loveless marriage for 18 years because he didn't want to hurt his daughter. Like she wasn't already hurt by their relationship.

Kids are such a gift because they are so close to god. Their intuition is still intact and they pick up everything. They know the truth but we try to protect them by lying to them - which only makes them question and doubt their own knowing.

My beautiful man relayed this in an email: "doesn't work, the kids know, my daughter knew and expressed her knowledge when it became fact, that is, after I left she wasn't surprised . . . I actually regret not leaving earlier, it would have saved me a lot of angst, my concern for my daughter was misplaced, at least based on what she said."

What makes him an inspiration is his courage to walk through his deepest fears.

He thought he would lose the love of his wife and daughter. Truth was, his wife was relieved that he finally faced the truth. She had been anxiously expecting "the talk" for years and it was no surprise to his daughter, either. Instead of losing love it opened a space of truth and his connection to his daughter became better than ever. Today their dialogue is open and honest and he lights up as he gushes about her accomplishments in college.

Another amazing man from London was approached by his kids and asked why he didn't leave - and take them with him. They begged for him to leave her, which he finally did when the kids left the house. He was so battered about by then that he spent two years searching for himself and is now fully engaged in helping men step back into their manhood. He is fulfilling his dream.

Seems like we all have our darkness - where our worst fears are hidden - but when we finally shine the light on them and confront them - they vaporize like mist. Problem is, it takes so much courage to face my fears, I could have spent my whole life running from them not knowing that freedom and truth were just a millisecond away on the other side.

I was watching a program about a woman that was in a heterosexual marriage for 20 - something years. Somewhere along the way she realized she was gay. She and her husband worked to keep it together "for the kids" but finally surrendered. The kids were angry at first for not having their family intact until one day one of the daughters looked at her mother and realized that the lines in her face were no longer from stress but from smiling. In that moment, she forgave her mother. All she ever wanted was for her mother to be happy.

Could it be that the greatest gift we can give our kids is showing them how to be happy? Isn't it funny that as parents our greatest hope is for our kids to be happy and that their greatest hope is for us to be?

Marriage is like McDonalds - Not that great but consistent

I feel kinda bad lumping everyone in to one big nasty lump of McDonalds fodder. I have friends that have amazing relationships. I acknowledge and appreciate them so much. They light up when they talk about their spouse. They smile and are animated and excited to see their lovey every single day. They are amazing living mentors and they give me hope.

I also have friends that have had the light off for years. Not just dim but off. For years.

The pain comes on slowly. The first time she rolls her eyes or tells the story about how stupid you are. Or the first time he works late or forgets that you're having dinner with the neighbors.

According to Barbara D'angelis and John Gray, this Resistance is the first of the 4 "R"s that characterize a separation from love:


1. Resistance
2. Resentment
3. Rejection
4. Repression

Resistance -- In any normal human relationship there will be certain levels of resistance between two people. Resistance occurs when you notice yourself starting to resist something another person is saying, doing, or feeling. You start criticizing them in your mind, and you may notice yourself pulling away a little bit. The way most people handle Resistance is to ignore it and pretend it's not there, e.g., "Oh, it's no big deal."

If you don't tell the truth about your resistance and resolve it with your partner, those little resistances build up and turn into the second R, Resentment.

Resentment is a much more active level of resistance. It is intense dislike and blame of the other person for what they are doing. Resentment is usually accompanied by an internal experience of anger and tension. You are separating from your partner emotionally. Anger, frustration, annoyance, sharpness and hate are all symptoms of stage two, Resentment.

If you don't tell the truth about your resentment and resolve it with your partner, it builds up and turns into the third R, Rejection.

Rejection occurs when so much resistance and resentment has built up that it becomes impossible for you to stay emotionally connected to the other person, and you pull away. You may leave the room, you might storm out of the house, or you might just shut down and refuse to acknowledge the other person or pay attention to them.

The signs of Rejection are: not wanting to be with your partner; always polarizing with whatever point of view they take; fantasizing about other people or having affairs. Rejection is the natural consequence of carrying around stored-up resentment. You cannot be near or relate to your partner without feeling all of your accumulated tension and resentment, so you just push them away in order to get some relief. During this stage, your sex life will deteriorate tremendously if it hasn't already. If you end a relationship while it is in the Rejection stage, the breakup will be painful and bitter.

If you don't tell the truth about your feelings of Rejection and resolve them with your partner, your Rejection builds up and turns into the next level of separation, Repression.

Repression is the most dangerous of the four R's. It occurs when you are so tired of resisting, resenting and rejecting that you successfully repress all of your negative emotions to 'keep the peace' for the sake of the family or to look good to the world. Repression is a state of emotional numbness. You numb yourself to your feelings in order to be comfortable. The numbness spills over into the rest of your life. You lose your enthusiasm and aliveness. Life may become predictable and boring. You may feel physically tired much of the time.

Some people are such experts at repressing their feelings that they move automatically from Resistance right down to Repression in a few moments without even realizing what they are doing.

Every time you express the complete truth about your feelings and get back to the love inside, you are increasing your ability to love. Every time you
suppress the complete truth and automatically repress your feelings, your ability to love decreases.

When I got to Resentment I had had enough pain. I had begged, pleaded, argued, cajoled, pouted and even threatened him to no avail. I was cooking, cleaning, parenting, working, tutoring, paying the bills, interfacing with the school. I was a single parent with the added burden of a husband. He didn't have a problem. I took care of everything.

When I got to the point where I was looking forward to my spouse's eventual death so I could "get on with my life", I knew I had to quit. I loved my son and I loved my husband but I had had enough pain.