Love and Control

Love was a power struggle. I picked men that needed me and that I could help or fix. That's when god sent me Rebel. For 7 years I have been practicing unconditional love and an open heart. Have I learned enough to be able to love a man unconditionally? Is my confession of love just another manipulation?

I do like certainty. I am a know it all and think I know how things are supposed to turn out. Then I push hard in that direction. Thing is, my life has never matched the picture. Some days, I still want that picture. I want the perfect little house and the perfect little kids and the adoring husband. It’s a funny picture because I don’t know any people like that. The people I know have their own stories and their own struggles.

I was thinking about faith on my run this morning. I have been running with a group of runners for the last few months. I don't know anyone and I don't know the routes but, I show up and tag along. I am not a fast runner so I am often running along these pretty streets all by myself. Time and again, just when I am wondering where the heck I am, I hear voices or footsteps behind me. Someone shows up and shows me the way. This morning I realized that my program really does work because as a kid, I had lost faith in the goodness of the world. Today, Faith is running in unfamiliar neighborhoods, with unfamiliar people, in the dark and knowing that I am blessed. Somehow, someone always shows up and shows me the way to go. Somehow, I always end up back at the car with my endorphins humming. Every time.

Kinda how my life is today. I am in unfamiliar neighborhoods, with unfamiliar people, running in the dark and instead of being terrified and trying to control it, I am enjoying the run.