Consciousness

After my mom died, I was ashamed to be an Owen. I was embarassed when people figured out that it was my family that had the murder. I was ashamed that my mom was murdered. I was ashamed that my dad murdered my mom. I was ashamed when I was late to school, again, and I had to explain that this person signing my notes was really my dad.

"Who's Quick?"
"My Stepdad"
"Well where's your mom?"
"She's dead"
"Well then where's your dad?"
"He's in prison"
"Well, we don't have any record of Quick. What's his phone number?"

It didn't help that John wrote things like "so many women so little time" on a prescription pad. This was supposed to get me into school.

I played this little game for a year and a half after mom died. Then I just became Quick. By then Kimi was Quick. Rana was Quick. We all just became Quick. We were a family. No more interogations to get into school. No more murder. [I wasn't even calling it a murder then. I'd dance around the mom issue and would just say she was in an accident. Most people would drop it.]

I had a new life, a new step mom who was 9 years older than me and a new identity. An identity that I was not ashamed of. It was all pretend but it made me feel better.

For twenty years I just made up a "new story" and pretended like I had lived the perfect life. I was totally unconscious but I needed to be. It was my coping mechanism and it served me.

When I think back on that time I regret all the time that I wasted. It was a good life but it was superficial. I ran from people. I kept them at arms length. I didn't want people to know me because we'd eventually get to the "secret". I guarded that secret. I told layers of lies to bury it. I thought I had control of it but it had control of me.

I never even told the secret to my husband. Then I resented him for not knowing me and not wanting to know me.

Letting go of that secret was the hardest and the best thing I have ever done. I thought I needed to look perfect to be loved but the truth is that protecting that secret had put a wall up that kept the love out. When I exposed it to the light it lost all power over me. Today there is no shame. My family was crazy but I am not passing that craziness on.

The things that I try to control end up controlling me. Today I can let go and let god work it out. He always does so much better a job than I ever could.