This is what I want my relationships to look like

I went back and was re-reading my post. I just love this picture.

They are content. They are relaxed. They are comfortable with each other.

I was walking in my neighborhood park in the rain. It was a misty rain, the kind that makes everything look magical. Rebel was off running and a kid rides up to share the shelter of the big redwood I was under. We both just stood there, looking into the mist.

He looks up at me, shaggy hair and big innocent eyes, and says, "copacetic".

The dogs are copacetic - very satisfactory or acceptable - and that's what I want my relationships to look, and feel, like.

Picture Analysis

I remember my first crush. He was 11 or 12 and I was 10 or 11. He had shaggy brown hair and blue eyes and he liked to show me how to do things on his family's farm. We rode on tractors and captured, killed and skinned moles. We played in the wheat silos until I got asthma real bad and had to go lie down.

We spent all day long running wild in the corn fields or down by the creek. Our hair got lighter and our skin darker as the summer wore on.

I liked his stories and the way he laughed and the adults noticed how well we got along. I couldn't admit that I liked him but I think they could see it.

There was one picture of us on a horse. We had been riding all over the farm, he in front and me behind. I felt hot being so close to him and was self conscious about being right up next to him. Touching him.

When I looked at the picture of us riding along so close, so intimate, I couldn't believe how awkward and silly I looked. My hips were right behind his but my chest was a foot away from him. I was as far away from him as I could get and still be on the horse. This was too close for me, touching a man, this was too intimate for me.

I have a great friend that's been married for 15+ years. They have beautiful kids and have achieved a lot in life - if you care about material stuff. Their photos look like my horse picture. She holds everyone away from her - even her husband.

After 15 years.

Look at your photos. Can you see the relationships in them? How far away do you keep people. Who do you put your back to and who do you hold close?

Love and Control

Love was a power struggle. I picked men that needed me and that I could help or fix. That's when god sent me Rebel. For 7 years I have been practicing unconditional love and an open heart. Have I learned enough to be able to love a man unconditionally? Is my confession of love just another manipulation?

I do like certainty. I am a know it all and think I know how things are supposed to turn out. Then I push hard in that direction. Thing is, my life has never matched the picture. Some days, I still want that picture. I want the perfect little house and the perfect little kids and the adoring husband. It’s a funny picture because I don’t know any people like that. The people I know have their own stories and their own struggles.

I was thinking about faith on my run this morning. I have been running with a group of runners for the last few months. I don't know anyone and I don't know the routes but, I show up and tag along. I am not a fast runner so I am often running along these pretty streets all by myself. Time and again, just when I am wondering where the heck I am, I hear voices or footsteps behind me. Someone shows up and shows me the way. This morning I realized that my program really does work because as a kid, I had lost faith in the goodness of the world. Today, Faith is running in unfamiliar neighborhoods, with unfamiliar people, in the dark and knowing that I am blessed. Somehow, someone always shows up and shows me the way to go. Somehow, I always end up back at the car with my endorphins humming. Every time.

Kinda how my life is today. I am in unfamiliar neighborhoods, with unfamiliar people, running in the dark and instead of being terrified and trying to control it, I am enjoying the run.

Consciousness

After my mom died, I was ashamed to be an Owen. I was embarassed when people figured out that it was my family that had the murder. I was ashamed that my mom was murdered. I was ashamed that my dad murdered my mom. I was ashamed when I was late to school, again, and I had to explain that this person signing my notes was really my dad.

"Who's Quick?"
"My Stepdad"
"Well where's your mom?"
"She's dead"
"Well then where's your dad?"
"He's in prison"
"Well, we don't have any record of Quick. What's his phone number?"

It didn't help that John wrote things like "so many women so little time" on a prescription pad. This was supposed to get me into school.

I played this little game for a year and a half after mom died. Then I just became Quick. By then Kimi was Quick. Rana was Quick. We all just became Quick. We were a family. No more interogations to get into school. No more murder. [I wasn't even calling it a murder then. I'd dance around the mom issue and would just say she was in an accident. Most people would drop it.]

I had a new life, a new step mom who was 9 years older than me and a new identity. An identity that I was not ashamed of. It was all pretend but it made me feel better.

For twenty years I just made up a "new story" and pretended like I had lived the perfect life. I was totally unconscious but I needed to be. It was my coping mechanism and it served me.

When I think back on that time I regret all the time that I wasted. It was a good life but it was superficial. I ran from people. I kept them at arms length. I didn't want people to know me because we'd eventually get to the "secret". I guarded that secret. I told layers of lies to bury it. I thought I had control of it but it had control of me.

I never even told the secret to my husband. Then I resented him for not knowing me and not wanting to know me.

Letting go of that secret was the hardest and the best thing I have ever done. I thought I needed to look perfect to be loved but the truth is that protecting that secret had put a wall up that kept the love out. When I exposed it to the light it lost all power over me. Today there is no shame. My family was crazy but I am not passing that craziness on.

The things that I try to control end up controlling me. Today I can let go and let god work it out. He always does so much better a job than I ever could.

My Achilles Heel

An Achilles’ heel is a fatal weakness in spite of overall strength, actually or potentially leading to downfall. - Wikipedia

I turned on the Oprah show this week to see this reverend guy talking about hooking up with men. Then I saw the Chicago legislator that tried to sell Obama's seat. Here are these amazing men, that have done so much good in the world, that have gotten their 15 minutes of fame, not for their accomplishments but, because of their failures.

In program there is a saying 'you are only as sick as your secrets'. When we work our steps we uncover these secrets, we say them out loud, we do our fourth steps around them. Like children afraid of the monsters in the shadows at night, we turn on the light and realize that the hideous monster in the corner is just the cat sleeping on our laundry. Nothing scary and hideous, nothing to be ashamed of. We aren't perfect, but we are very human.

This acceptance, of every part of us, is what heals us in program.

When I first got into program I couldn't accept the life I was living and was ashamed of how low I'd gotten. I had made my drug addict boyfriend my higher power, expecting him to take care of me when he couldn't even take care of himself. When he failed me, I was devastated. Lost and alone after he'd chased off all my friends and isolated me from the world. Not knowing how to live in the light, I hid my true life and feelings from everyone else, further isolating myself, because I couldn't accept your judgment and criticism. My ego kept me in prison.

When I came to program, I expected you to be like the critical and un-pleasable family I grew up in. I expected you to find my Achilles heel and use it against me. Instead, I showed you my weakness and you laughed. I told you my story and you had compassion. I showed you my deep dark secrets and you loved me. You loved the parts of me that I couldn't love myself and slowly I came to see those parts in the light. Without the shame and judgment I could see my defects as coping mechanisms that got me through this life up until now.

Your love healed me.

No longer do we need to sneak around, waiting for our secrets to be exposed. No longer do we hide ourselves from those around us. The other shoe can drop and we'll be ok. That wound has been healed. Healed by love.