Lessons of '08

1) Practice Humility – In all things.
2) Efficiency – I was amazed at how many “extras” I had padded into my lifestyle. I was able to whittle away about 50% of my expenses with little change in lifestyle.
3) I have always had everything I needed. Even now, in my Dallas apartment, I am loved and comfortable and challenged and happy.
4) Happiness is a choice that I make every day.
5) Whatever I focus on, I become. Focus on the crap, I become crap. Focus on the beauty, I become beauty.
6) People don’t love me for my things, they love me for who I am and the way I make them feel.
7) Love the person, hate the behavior.
8) Play full out.

What do you see in the mirror?

I was thinking about a conflict I am having with a friend when I realized that he holds on to his pain because it makes him feel significant.

We all need to feel important and that can be achieved by having a significant accomplishment or by having a significant problem.

I then started to think about who else I know that does this. In this process I identified another friend that he does the same thing. He has significant pain in his relationship. And it causes deep pain for him. And he holds on to it. He wears it like a medal.

That's two friends that exhibit the same behavior but what about me? Have there been times that I did that? No, I thought "I don't do that" then I realized I DO! Crap!

I am so special because my mom was murdered.
My victim-hood, my martyrdom, my pain makes me significant. Most people can't beat the kind of pain I've had. I've had SIGNIFICANT pain! I held it so tight that I WAS that pain.

Today I don't have to punish myself by holding on to so much pain. I choose to release it.

Beginning with Awareness. Defining the problem. Realizing what it is, what it was and the meaning I gave it. I was the victim of domestic violence. I was the victim with a capital V.

Then moving toward Acceptance. Stating the problem but not OVER stating it. It was just an event that really had nothing to do with me. It was about my parents power struggle...or relationship...or expectations...or dashed dreams. I was an innocent bystander.

Finally, Action. Taking the steps to re-define my identity. I no longer wanted to be poor Rebekah. Rebekah the victim, the martyr. That pain I wore like a cloak, forever hiding the bright shining person behind it. I journaled, I prayed, I meditated and I released it all. My father's selfish action no longer defines me. I hold the pen that defines me.

It's a constant process but I have had moments where I drop that cloak of pain and show the beauty beneath. I get attention and affection in empowering ways today. The need for pity has been lifted.

I am Blessed.

There are some that choose to hold on to the pain. To wallow in it. As if the smell would attract what they want.

I used to think that if I was pathetic enough then someone would come and rescue me. My knight was just waiting for the perfect time. If I only knew how to raise the trumpet and call for him.

Trouble was, god calls that 'doing the footwork'. Smelling the shit was not enough. I had to stop looking to others and instead lift my own feet to look at what was stuck to them. I hadn't done the work of looking my defects straight in the eyes and calling them me. I hadn't mustered the courage to admit that I wasn't perfect but was in fact human. I have made mistakes but those mistakes aren't me.

Today I don't have to be pathetic to be noticed. In fact, I don't have any room for the kind of people that are attracted to pathetic. Today I am finding that it takes just as much courage to show my beauty. I am finding that the people that are attracted to beauty and strength are much more fun to be around.

Today when I look around at my friends I am overcome by how amazing they are. I am humbled to think that these wonderful, strong, beautiful, sexy, vibrant people have become my mirror.

It Was Always Safer Outside

I've been reading about Jennifer Hudson's family in the media and it brings back all the nastiness of my family. The anger and abuse and murder.

After my dad murdered my mom, he did 3 years in Vacaville. After that he was "rehabilitated" and set free. We were all afraid of him. I refused to give him my address or phone # after he took a swing at me while I was at work.

In recovery we talk about alcoholism being a deadly disease but, the rest of the family is just as much at risk, at risk of being battered, put in the hospital or murdered.

It happens all the time. The wife leaves, the husband can no longer control her so, he kills her.

Sometimes it's just her. Sometimes it's her and the kids. But, seldom does he kill himself. It's just the final move of checkmate. He takes out everyone and "wins" the game.

We are still suffering the stupidity and drama of OJ. It sounds like this brother in law of Jennifer Hudson's was already in jail for murder. When they let him out he murdered again.

Once again the murdering man is let off to roam our streets.

Love Honor and Obey

When I was four I had it all figured out. I knew all the right answers in Sunday School, I could read and I'd already jumped off the high dive. I had the world in my cute little hands. Then I my dad physically threatened my mom and I wasn't allowed to talk about it. The house grew dark and shadows filled my heart, I was terrified. We dealt with it by pretending that nothing happened and everything that I knew about the world changed. In that moment, I learned that love was a sham.

In our wedding vows we promised to love honor and obey each other, there was nothing said about honesty or truth. I did my best. I loved in the loyal sick way I had learned as a child. Honoring meant I never spoke the truth but made him look good. Obeying I did like a beaten dog, I cowered and withdrew.

We played the game I had learned when I was four. There was unbelievable violence and we smiled and looked perfect. If someone asked me about bruises, I lied.

They all knew the truth. They could see it in my cowering stance, in my tentative smile, in my diverted gaze. I remember the stray dog we found at McDonalds. She was hungry and scared of us and at the same time so needing love. She submitted and cowered and crept closer for the hamburger crust. So betrayed, so hungry, so unloved.

I went through many years as a beaten dog. I smiled, I pleased, I cowered. I wanted love so desperately that I would take the crusts and be happy to have that.

Lay Your Armour Down

My friend, David, first said this to me a few years ago. It was the first time that I realized that I was wearing armour.

Then I started thinking about the first few years of my life, my Dad was in the Air Force and stationed in Pakistan. I was just a little girl but, in a lot of ways I was the man of the house. Then my father came home from the military and my brother was born and the fighting began. I had to protect my mom from my dad. I was still the man of the house. Then my parents got divorced and we stayed with my dad and I competed to be the man of the house - just like my mom had competed with my dad. It was all competition and "better than" and judgment. I became a good jouster and it was exhausting.

It was the only game I knew so I played it in my relationships. For years, I competed until I was the man of the house. There can be only one man so, the relationships broke apart. I liked to blame it on them but, it takes two. In everything, it takes two.

Today, I am tired. I am a great jouster and I know I can "win" but, today, winning is futile. It does not give me what I want. It does not allow me to be the woman that has been hiding inside this armour all these years. Today, I choose to do it differently. Today I can be vulnerable and needy and not be weak. Today I can lay my armour down because, the armies have gone home. The war is over.

Today I can sit in my back yard and listen to the squirrels chirp and watch the geese fly over, as they honk their presence, and I can rest. I can show my fears to my friends and know that they won't attack. Today I can use my strength to show my true self, my soft underbelly, my Achilles heel and know that the people around me today are not the enemy, they are friends, they are sent by God, and they are not impressed with the armour but love what is beneath.