I used to watch soap operas in the afternoon with my grandmother. It was our form of bonding. In the soaps there was always a deathbed secret that everyone really already knew about but were waiting for it to be confirmed before mother died. Was Sally really John's daughter? Did Lori really kill Beau? The lies were so complicated and contorted - as only soaps could do - that no one really knew the truth. The first thing to erode in my relationships was that clear bell of truth.
I would catch myself lying over little inconsequential things and then wondering why I was lying at all. The times when he was excited and all fired up about something, something I knew had huge obvious flaws but I smiled and went along with it. The times when sex was horrible but I lied to make him feel better. The time he ran over a cat and I suppressed my feelings that he was a stupid asshole and played nice instead. Making him feel better is not creating a strong relationship. It's creating a pretend relationship where neither side is living in truth. It creates two pretend people pretending to have a relationship.
Trying to be who I think you want me to be is lying. Pretending everything is all right is lying. Smiling and looking pretty is lying. "Not telling" him something is lying. Looking the other way is lying. Not speaking up is lying. Not showing your perceived flaws is lying. 8th date stuff - where we are done pretending and start admitting that we've had 84 lovers before you - is the TRUTH.
Lying doesn't seem like a big deal at first. "I didn't want to hurt their feelings". Like they aren't strong enough to handle the truth? Or like they didn't know already! People know already! It's just you telling a story to feel better about yourself.
If you can't fight with someone you can't have a relationship with them. If you can't poop at their house you can't have a relationship with them. If you can't talk to ANYONE that calls on the phone you can't have a relationship with them. If you can't admit that you are $47,000 in debt you can't have a relationship with them. When I am lying I am not "in" the relationship. I am pretending. It's a cop out. It's stepping out of the bond of relationship. It's cheating.
The consequences for lying are much higher than I had realized. First, each lie weakens us - physically and emotionally. While, each word of truth strengthens us, physically and emotionally. Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like you could do anything? You were living in truth.
The study of kinesiology is the study of human movement. The interesting thing is that your body knows when you are not in your truth. You can do a simple kinesiology test on each word where you stand erect with one hand out to the side. Your friend stands across from you and as you say the word your friend pushes down on your arm. When you are in truth there is strength in your arm and it's difficult to push down. When you lie, the arm is easily lowered.
Then there is the guilt - your heart knows it was a lie - and you get to live with that until you come clean. Lastly there are the years of unintended consequences. The casserole that you said was awesome - when it wasn't - but now you get to eat it every week for the rest of your life. Or the outfit that you said looked fine in a rushed moment when you just wanted to get out the door - that ends up in every picture of every special event for the next 3 years or until he's gained too much weight to fit into it.
For true connection and intimacy, there has to be truth. For me, what starts out as truth when we initially negotiated out how our lives fit together, slowly disintegrates into years of more and more distance until one day I woke up and looked at the man next to me in bed. I didn't know what his dreams were, what he lived for or if I even liked him anymore. I didn't know if he had lost weight or took downers or drank too much or had a lover. I no longer knew him.
Who's to blame for these things. Is it really the other's fault that she has a lover when we quit noticing her years ago? Can we really blame him for shooting morphine in the bathroom to numb out the grief and pain he's been suffering through? We are lost in pretty smiles of pretending this is the life we always dreamed of.
I liken relationships to Chinese water torture. In Chinese water torture a drop of water is dripped on the subject's forehead. The first drop seems like nothing, the 100th is annoying, the 10,000 makes you insane. So true in a relationship, the first time he tells the story about how you thought the Jesuits were a sect of Jews, your face got red and you didn't say anything, the 100th time you cut off sex for a week, the 10,000 time you charged $15,000 on the AmEx to get him back and he still doesn't know that you hate when he tells that story.
What little lies do you tell every day? Does your husbands hair look ridiculous sticking straight up like that? Do your wife's bra straps annoy the shit out of you? Is your relationship so fragile that you can't tell the truth?
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