When one door closes ... I pound on it!

I live my life like a warrior. I put a goal in my head, put blinders on, and charge straight toward my goal. Like a bull charging a red cape, I am going to nail that red thing. I focus on it, snort my nose, stamp my feet and CHARGE. Only to have the Matador sweep the cape away just when I can smell the sweet scent of victory.

My goal can be anything, is often what I think I really want and often not what's best for me. It's often someone else's idea of what "should" make me happy - an aspiration few others have accomplished. An income, a man, a status, a title, or an address that others will envy. It's never something that's in my heart - always from my head - and it's never god's vision for my life. I have my own vision of what's going to get me love because I am so much smarter than god ever was. I'm gonna make it happen. I power through.

The price I pay for charging so hard is that, just like the bull that gets a dagger plunged into his neck, I pay dearly for each pass. I don't pay in blood, too often, but I do pay in broken friendships, a weakened trust in god's goodness, I miss the beautiful scenery along the way, physical wear and tear, long days and short nights, years of wasted trying to "be someone".

The funny thing is; powering through stuff rarely works. Ok, it works when I am itemizing expenses or finishing the last mile of my run but little else.

I do this visualization where I talk to god and most of what I hear from him these days is laughter, which is better than what I got in the past. In the past, when I would ask "when is my father was going to be the father that I want" I could hear the voice of Obi-Wan from Star Wars say "Denial is strong in this one". I hope that means my relationship with god is getting better.

These days, I don't run into the same closed door ... for as long as I used to. I find myself sitting dazed on the shiny hardwood floor in front of the door, fist sore from pounding. My reflex is to contemplate what I did wrong this time and how to do the same thing, only different enough to make it work this time but instead, I remind myself to take a deep breath.

As I breath deeply and wait for the stars circling my dazed head to stop, I breath into my heart. I visualize the breath going into and expanding my diligently pounding heart. I then watch as I breathe out and my heart contracts with the exhale. After doing this for a minute or two my brainwaves sync with my heart waves and my heart reminds me that there are other doors. I turn around and look down the long corridor behind me and realize that I have been charging past, not one, but two doors that are open a crack.

I have plenty of other options. Two that I never knew existed when I was scared and operating out of my head. My head tricks me. My head tells me that there is only one "right way" to do something and if I don't do it that way I won't be happy. My fear lives in my head. There is no fear in my heart. My heart holds only gentleness, love and laughter. The same laughter I hear when I talk to god these days.